Mighty Forces

I just finished listening to Julia Sweeney's show "Letting Go of God," where she talks about her transition from Catholic to atheist. It's sweet, sad and hilarious in turns, and I recommend it highly. I was so impressed I fired off an e-mail to her this morning, telling her how much I loved the show and how it intersected with a lot of stuff I'm thinking about these days.

Amazingly, I got a wonderful personal e-mail reply from her this afternoon. Isn't the internet great?

If Michael Moore made a movie about how puppies are cute, the right wing crapweasels would tie themselves in knots finding new ways to hate those ugly goddamned puppies.

Over the weekend I watched an entire double episode of the original "Bionic Woman" series. In a tiny window on a series of chopped-up video segments. On YouTube.

Clearly, if "Bionic Woman" doesn't come out on DVD in the United States soon, I may suffer a mental breakdown of some sort.

"If the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such."

Since I've been sort of a hermit these last couple of years, I haven't had a lot of people to bounce my incessant Simpsons pop cultural references off of. I guess I can do it here, now. Aren't you lucky?

kakistocracy noun.

Rule by the least-able or least-principled of citizens. A form of government in which the people least qualified to control the government are the people who control the government.

The things you learn watching the National Spelling Bee. :-) Incredibly, my recording of the bee cut out in the middle of the final round. Damn technology.

Since I'm in a particularly misanthropic mood today, I thought I would just print the lyrics to a song which is both funny and pointed.

Sociable Amoeba
by the Chenille Sisters

I'm touched that science has developed
a way for me to be enveloped
by a mushroom cloud of radioactive dust.

Imagine - I can be revolving
'round the globe, while I'm dissolving
with a supersonic ICBM thrust.

But this atomic storm of life
is getting me down at last
and I yearn to return to a form of life
that's a little bit less harassed...

I wanna go back, way back,
back back and be a sociable amoeba
I do I do I really do
I'll live in slime where I'm
sublimely pleased to be a wee amoeba -
it's true it's true it's really true

And if a bomb blows me in two
Well, science, ha! the laugh's on you
'cause each half of me will grow another half -
instead of one amoeba, I'll be two

I could be swell, just me, my cell and I
a sociable amoeba
(I always was narcissistic)
and if I get bored I'll turn toward another cell
and go on a cellular spree
(ooh those cellular sprees)

What a joy to be free of the century's curse
by doing a Darwin-y evolution in reverse
Come on and be a wee little sociable amoeba with me.

Consider the great advantages amoeba life has:
just think of the kicks when you mix with a piece of protoplasm!
Come and be a wee little sociable amoeba with me.
Come on and be a wee little sociable amoeba with me.

Paris Hilton got out of jail 20 days early and put on "house arrest" because she

A. was depressed and suicidal.
B. had an averse reaction to drug detox.
C. was suffering from an STD outbreak.
D. is rich.

(Hint: your answer can contain any combination of A, B, or C, but must include D.)

1. Movies where stars play stars.
2. Jennifer Connelly.
3. Foreign films where people spend a lot of time hugging and learning lessons.
4. Movies that mess with the timeline because it's "edgy."
5. Shaggy dog stories.
6. Leonardo diCaprio, except in "What's Eating Gilbert Grape."
7. Jim Carrey, except in "The Truman Show."
8. Movie trailers that tell the whole story from beginning to end.
9. "Fox & Friends."
10. Anthropomorphic animals, especially in live action.

Why is it that in the movies and on TV, no one ever says "goodbye" when they end a phone conversation? People just hang up. What's with that?

I'd like to start a trend. Let's all start using the "thumbs up" gesture more often. Who's with me?

(I also love Tigger, which is why I picked this image. Plus, it made you read the post, didn't it?)

The wonderful thing about Tiggers,
Is Tiggers are wonderful things,
Their tops are made out of rubber,
Their bottoms are made out of springs,
They're bouncy, trouncy, flouncy, pouncy,
Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun!
But the most wonderful thing about Tiggers is I'm the only one!!

Why is it that the rightwing crapweasels bray at the moon whenever any left-leaning celebrity expresses an opinion, but a fourth-rate comedian like Dennis Miller is treated like a rock star because he writes pompous ad hominem trash about Harry Reid?

Wait, I just answered my own question.

I believe that HBO's "Big Love" is the best-written and best-acted show on television right now.

When I first heard the premise - a middle-class Utah family with one husband and three wives tries to co-exist with the outside world - I thought it was too much of a stunt, too high-concept to be entertaining. Boy was I wrong. This is a roller-coaster of a show, swinging from comedy to drama with ease and packing more into one epsiode than most committee-created network products do in an entire season. It's also one of those rare treats that uses its high-concept premise to illuminate our "real" lives in unexpected and fascinating ways.

It doesn't hurt that the leads act the hell out of their parts. Jeanne Tripplehorn in particular, who I mostly think of as a joke for starring in both "Basic Instinct" and "Waterworld," is a revelation. Another hallmark of a great TV show (or movie or book) is how even the smallest of bit players inhabit characters that are engaging and real. The lineup is impressive: Bruce Dern, Grace Zabriskie, Mary Kay Place, Harry Dean Stanton, and more. I read online that Ellen Burstyn is joining the cast this season - can it get any better than that?

Like every other TV show in existence, "Big Love" will have regular DVD releases. But right now, with Season Two just starting, the show is one of the few things on TV I look forward to each week.

Highly recommended.

My friend Paul and I found ourselves in Walgreens the other day. We were perusing the cold cereal area, and came upon one of my favorites from childhood, Crunchberries. (Cap'n Crunch with round red "berry" pieces)

Me: Well, they've just ruined this now. I would love to buy some, but the berries are supposed to be red - not all these other colors. That's just not right.

[seeing that the "berries" are now in "fun shapes"] And look at that - argh. It's supposed to be "Crunchberries," not "Crunch-and-a-bunch-of crap."

Paul: It's official. You *are* a grumpy old man.

I think "Dr. Atheist Von Gay of France" is the best. name. ever.

Through a strange path of web searches this morning, I came upon an "Alias" parody I wrote during the show's first season. People probably barely remember that show now, and I don't think my parody was entirely successful. But it gave me a chuckle.

Saw a few "Bionic Woman" previews on TV over the weekend. I couldn't care less about the new show, but bring on those Lindsay Wagner DVDs!

Cain slew Abel, Seth knew not why
For if the children of Israel were to multiply
Why must any of the children die?
So he asked the Lord
And the Lord said:

I burn down your cities-how blind you must be
I take from you your children and you say how blessed are we
You all must be crazy to put your faith in me
That's why I love mankind
You really need me
That's why I love mankind

Last night Bill O'Reilly called DailyKos.com a "hate site," run by "far left hatemongers." He rattled off some random comments from the site, like how someone said "Better luck next time" when Dick Cheney was almost blown up in Iraq. And then O'Reilly said this about the site:

"It's like the Ku Klux Klan. It's like the Nazi party. There's no difference."

I swear, irony is lost on these people.

It reminds me of this story from the late Molly Ivins:

I have a correspondent named Irwin Wingo in Weatherford, Texas. Irwin and some of the leading men of the town are in the habit of meeting about 10 every morning at the Chat'n'Chew Cafe to drink coffee and discuss the state of the world. One of their members is a dittohead, a Limbaugh listener. He came in one day, plopped himself down, and said, "I think Rush is right. Racism in this country is dead. I don't know what the niggers will find to gripe about now."

As I've been telling friends recently, I'm cautiously optimistic about The Simpsons Movie, coming out at the end of the month. It was great to see Matt Groening on "The Daily Show" last night, where he provided this synopsis of the movie's plot:

"Homer falls in love with a pig, and everything just flows from that."

Sounds good to me.

While we wait, here's a pretty good list of the 100 Greatest Simpsons Quotes. Let me know in the comments any they might have left out.

Two of my favorites not on the list:

Dr. Nick Riviera: These gloves came free with my toilet brush!

Lionel Hutz: Don't worry, Mr. Simpson. I saw "Matlock" in a bar last night. The sound wasn't on, but I think I got the gist of it.

And perhaps the best Simpsons quote of all time:

Chief Wiggum: How many gazebos do you she-males need?

UPDATE: More Simpsons lore in Vanity Fair.

Is it weird that I was quite sad to hear that Tammy Faye Bakker Messner died? She always seemed to me like a very genuine and good person. She was also nearly alone among evangelicals in her support of gay people in general and AIDS sufferers in particular. I think I would have enjoyed knowing her, and I'll miss her.

Did you hear who's on the cover of Oprah Magazine this month?

Who?

Oprah.

Thoughts on "The Wizard of Oz," courtesy of my friend Adam:

How is it that Dorothy doesn't have a broom? She brought he entire house. Doesn't Auntie Em have a broom? And if she had a broom, maybe Glinda could bewitch it. Then she wouldn't have to follow the yellow brick road.

Think about it.

"Rabbit and Mouse" is my new internet obsession. I love how the two figures are brilliantly distilled down to just a few strokes. I also love the black-and-white esthetic. In some ways it reminds me of one of my previous obsessions, Boy on a Stick and Slither.

from the New York Times:

Lohan Is Said to Be Back in Rehab

Lindsay Lohan has entered a rehabilitation center for the third time this year, the CBS television show “The Insider” reported yesterday. Citing sources within Cirque Lodge, a drug and alcohol treatment institution in Sundance, Utah, the “Insider” report said Ms. Lohan, 21, had checked in during the weekend for an intensive program expected to last at least 30 days at a reported minimum price of $30,000. Ms. Lohan, whose films include “Herbie Fully Loaded,” was treated at the Wonderland Center in Los Angeles in January and, after a Memorial Day weekend that led to her arrest on suspicion of driving under the influence, she was treated at the Promises rehabilitation facility in Malibu, Calif. Eleven days after her release on July 13, she was arrested on charges of drunken driving and cocaine possession. She faces a court hearing on Aug. 24.

from my friend Paul who forwarded the story to me:

Interesting what movie credit they chose to reference...

"The Weepies" sounds like a children's group to me, bouncing around the stage in colorful outfits and singing songs about giraffes. But after hearing one of their songs on a video someone posted on Vimeo (amazing video hosting site, BTW), I got intrigued. So I bought their album "Say I Am You" on iTunes. Very soft and comforting folk, without missing out on a certain cynicism and sadness when it's warranted.

"Nobody Knows Me At All," "Not Your Year" and "Living in Twilight," in particular, speak to me.

Priceless.

1. Jo
2. Tootie
3. Natalie
4. Blair

Apparently, Jamie Lynn Spears, Britney's younger sister, is pregnant. I just heard on radio news that the father is her "long-term boyfriend."

She is 16.

Finally, I think there's a candidate I can support.

But this isn't news, is it?

I guess the larger question is, why are so many conservatives raging assholes? What's the psychology? One way of looking at it is that today's American brand of conservatism allows them to indulge in all their worst instincts, without fear of backlash. Hell, the bigger an asshole they are, the more they are celebrated. When you even partially tamp down your asshole instincts (see: John McCain), you are vilified as a wimp and a sellout. So why wouldn't they let their ids run wild? I'm sure it can be fun, in a sick, sad sort of way.

I love to be unhappy
I live to be in pain
When days are full of sunshine
I'm lookin' for the rain

I always send my steak back
My life is overdone
I have to be quite careful
that I don't have any fun

"Many observers believe Fidel Castro will either be replaced by his brother Raul, or by his idiot son, Fidel W. Castro."

-Letterman, last night

Cute cute cute. "Pokeyball" is my favorite. That, and "don't talk back to Darth Vader!"

"It may have been a terrorist's dog...After the hell these people went through in Felujah..I'd be whipping puppies of a cliff too."

-mouth-breathing Freeper, commenting on YouTube video of Marine throwing a puppy off a cliff.

During one of our pop culture conversations today - this one a rare face-to-face version - my friend The Other Adam made me realize something while we talked about "Arrested Development."

I am Michael Bluth.

Of course, if I had to be someone, being Jason Bateman is not that bad of a thing to be. Not bad at all.

I don't think it's too shocking of an admission that I watch a fair amount of trashy reality TV. And since Ben "I don't believe in evolution" Stein's model show finished up, I've been watching "Make Me A Supermodel." Yes, I know. But hey, I could be addicted to crack or spend my nights mugging old ladies. So it's not really all that bad, is it?

Last night's episode was particularly surreal. Some of my favorite moments:

• Tyson Beckford wearing a paisley ascot, and exhorting Perry upset over problems with his girlfriend that "This could kill a normal man. But not a supermodel."
• Perry lying in bed with his legs spread, openly fondling himself over his black briefs.
• Holly, transported to a luxury hotel in New Orleans for a fashion shoot, getting teary-eyed at her obligatory Habitat for Humanity assignment. "She {sob} lost her house in a storm!" It was more than two years ago, Holly. That woman is over it, why can't you be?

Did you know that Miley Cyrus, whose birth name was Destiny Hope Cyrus, has legally changed her name to Miley Ray Cyrus?

Neither did I.

"I am qualified to represent America. Because, like America, I am heavily in debt, I'm about ten percent gay, and I have a really bad gas problem."

-Tim Calhoun (Will Forte) on SNL

I am often a bigger fan of the second- or third-level characters than I am the main ones. My favorite Simpsons character of all time is probably Dr. Nick Riviera ("See you in the operating place!"), and I also love Hans Moleman. And on Saturday Night Live, I love Tim Calhoun. He was on the other night and it was a treat.

"I propose we start a Cow College where we teach cows how to talk. I propose we start with the word 'moo' to build up their self confidence."

"There are times when I'm not gay at all. But then there are other times I'm so gay it more than makes up for it."

Of course, a big part of it is Will Forte's halting, whispery delivery. Calhoun in '08!

"Who's the more foolish: The fool, or the fool who follows him?"

-Obi-Wan Kenobi, "Star Wars"

ALIEN KANG BOB DOLE is at a political rally, wearing a hardhat.

KANG DOLE: Abortions for all!

[crowd boos]

KANG DOLE: Very well, no abortions for anyone!

[crowd boos louder]

KANG DOLE: Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others!

[crowd cheers]

Well not really. But it makes a great post headline, don't you think?

Actually I had an extremely vivid dream that Martha Stewart had hired me to do flower arranging for a party she was giving. Which is funny, because I don't know anything about flowers or arranging them.

When I got to her house, she asked me to cut up lemons into perfect little segments, something I know from watching Top Chef is called making supremes. I did that for a while, and then all the flowers arrived, just in big bundles like from a flower wholesaler. And I was supposed to arrange them. But I just sat around and didn't do anything, and I worried when Martha was going to come back and yell at me.

In other news, I've reached a Survivor sort of point with Top Chef. It's just too similar, and I'm not getting enough entertainment out of it considering the amount of time you have to dedicate in order to watch a whole season. Actually, this happened to me with Survivor at exactly the same point - the very beginning of the fourth season. I had watched the first three seasons of Survivor with great interest, and wrote a lot about it on my old site, words mean things. I had quite a crush on Ethan from the Africa season.

But the fourth one rolled around and I thought, oh, another jungle with random people. And that was it for me. Now the same thing's happened with Top Chef. It's just the same thing over and over. And since I'm one of the little Caligulas created by the YouTube saturation of our culture, I demand to be ENTERTAINED!

Dance, monkey, dance!

"It's traditional to celebrate the anniversary of your father's death by starting a clothing line."

-Frances Callier on the Stephanie Miller Show this week, talking about Bindi Irwin

Back in my day, TV stars couldn't say boobie, tushy, burp, fanny burp, water closet, underpants, dingle-dangle, Boston marriage, LBJ, Titicaca, hot dog, OR front lumps!

Apparently Ben Stein's brain-dead "documentary" Expelled used John Lennon's "Imagine" without permission (and, I've read, played it over footage of Nazi death camps, because they are trying to link evolution with Hitler and the Holocaust). I'm hoping this has repercussions for Ben. The whole thing is anti-science and reprehensible, but the Nazi stuff is just evil.

But hey, the people who don't hate us just think we're stupid - this movie is a great example. Here's to giving the rest of the world a little less proof in the future.

"When we just saw that man, I think it was Mr. Myers [i.e. biologist P.Z. Myers], talking about how great scientists were, I was thinking to myself the last time any of my relatives saw scientists telling them what to do they were telling them to go to the showers to get gassed ... that was horrifying beyond words, and that's where science -- in my opinion, this is just an opinion -- that's where science leads you."

-Ben Stein, in an interview with Trinity Broadcasting Network

The thing is, Stein knows better. He knows better. And that's what gets me so angry.

I'm just so tired of putting up with this nonsense. Terri Schiavo was just napping. The earth is 4,000 years old. Evolution is a conspiracy. Science is faith. HIV does not cause AIDS. Global warming is a conspiracy. Anyone who's ever read a book not on Oprah's list is an elitist. Racism doesn't exist. We didn't invade Iraq. We found WMDs in Iraq. George W. Bush is a genius. Gay marriage will destroy the family. Michael Moore has blood on his hands. Barack Obama is a Muslim. Barack Obama is a Marxist. Liberals are fascists.

What exactly is wrong with us? Why are we like this? I honestly would like the answer.

UPDATE: Here's a puppet with some thoughts on Ben Stein.

After years of laughing at all the people whose Xbox 360s got the "red ring of dea