« January 2005 | Main | March 2005 »

Winter Drags On

Snow sucks.

Insomnia

Is it insomnia if it's just for one night?

At any rate, I CAN'T FALL ASLEEP!! argh. I have to be up in 4 hours. And I have two assignments due. 1 of which I haven't started yet.

argh. argh.

Okay, I'm going to turn out the lights yet again, and I'm NOT getting out of bed again until the alarm goes off. . . even if I have to lay here and stare at the minutes ticking off the clock.

1 Arrival and 1 more on the way

A few weeks ago Andy & Amy welcomed little Charlie Rose to the world. Got my first pictures yesterday and she's a tiny precious pink cuddlebug.

And, I just found out Heidi & John are expecting!

Wow, things change fast.

A Couple Quick Quotes

"Nobody in chains ever soared up to the sun." - from the movie Octane

"Peace is a long term investment, brother." - from the movie Crown Heights

"Just another shark in the dirty water." - from a movie The Rainmaker

"She was helping people become the person they were going to be." - from the movie You've Got Mail

Valentine's Day. . .

was yesterday.

To this I say, "Bah humbug."

14 poems not about you

Before I Understood
The mania and the darkness,
the brilliance and the fog,
euphoria
and numbness.

*

Carbon Copy Couples
If you’re exactly alike,
what nuances of the universe
can the other person
open up and teach you?

*

Invincible
The sky is wide
and the earth
limitless beneath the sun

*

No Expectations
I don’t want anyone to
need anything from me,
expect anything.

I don’t want to
let anyone down,
be a disappointment.

I just want to escape.

*

No Need for Drano
When it comes to relationships,
there is no Drano necessary.

My personal life comes equipped
with its own flushing sound.

*

Paradox
She’s a paradox –
the poet
in her navy blue pinstriped suit.

*

Prisoner
The winter of discontent gave way
to a spring of loathing and despair.

Somewhere in between she forgot
what it was to be happy.

The cloud that plagued her
grew to swallow up the members of her family
and suck the joy from every moment
that should have been savored,
cherished.

It was a dull, painful disease
that stalked them all.

*

Reality Sets In
It's always been my assumption
that growing older would be
accompanied
with clarity of mind –
with singularity of purpose.

The past year has shown me quite the opposite...

*

Stopped on a Street Corner
I stopped on a street corner
to capture these words
as they bled from my pen

*

Tiny and Silent
I’m feeling small inside.
It is one of those days
when my footsteps make no sound.

*

Twinkle, twinkle
As we grow older,
the wishes we make
on stars
grow bigger and bolder.

*

Wishing
I want to know
what it is
to have a still heart
and a clear mind.

*

You are my King
You make me feel like
a Queen
an ethereal pedestal
my throne

*

You Were To Blame
I was fine.
My nerves had healed over
the open wound you’d left.

But then, by accident,
not intentional design –
I stumbled into you

and tread at the edge of your world,
resisting the urge
to walk right through.

All at once
the wound was open again,
and a flood of discontent
washed through me.

And you were to blame.

30 Poems About You

4am
I wonder if you went home
and what you thought
as you walked.

*

#801–110
munching Cheetos
laying on the floor beneath the tv set

I could see your reflection in the glass
as the images changed

Natalie Cole was singing “That Summer”

you laid on the couch for a long time,
your face growing sadder

and when you couldn’t take it any more
you came and laid beside me

*

As Day Fades into Sleep
I lay in bed
and think of you
as day fades into sleep.

*

A Thousand Things
There are a thousand things
I want to know about you

*

By Royal Mail
the rawest,
most fragile
pieces of me

*

Do Anything, Be Anything
No one makes me feel the way that you do
like I can do anything –
be anything

that you’ll be there
no matter what

unwavering support through
successes,
failures,
and all the days in between

you’ll be there to laugh and appreciate the journey,
the struggle
and fun
and the falling in love

as we pick ourselves up time after time
to dust off and try again.

*

Dying Inside
I try to stay at a distance
when all I really want to do
is wrap my arms around you
or fall at your feet

*

Figured It All Out
I imagine you’ll
call me one day
and say –

I’ve figured
it all out

And I’m getting
married next week.
Will you be there?

And I’ll reply,
I don’t know if
I can make it.

*

The Heart of Which
I’ve had this gigantic swirl of stuff
in my head lately –
the heart of which is you.

*

Healing
His soul
wrapped itself around mine
until he had mended
all the shattered pieces
of my broken heart.

*

Is it Me?
Do you fear me?
Or do you fear yourself when you’re with me?
Do you fear your own potential?

*

Italy
Come with me to Italy –
crash in hostels
rent scooters
explore the coast
drink wine
savor delicious dishes
and enjoy the beauty
of every moment

*

I Want
I want
to bring you sandwiches at midnight
when you’re in the studio
and things aren’t coming together quite right.

I want
to remind you of the rival gangs
that found a common ground in your music.

I want
to be there when your father
raises his glass to toast you on your success.

I want
to be the woman in your corner –
the one you know will support you 300%
no matter what,
that gives you the strength to take on anything.

I want
to be the woman that makes you King of the World –
makes you feel the freedom,
the joy,
the control.

I want
to pop into your mind at random times of day
until you realize
we are meant to be together.

*

Just how it is
You.
I want to know you
inside out.

*

Let My Heart Seep Through
Perhaps it was your not-knowing
that drove my fervor.
I was slowly dying
beneath “what if”
and “if only”.

And now that you know,
there’s not much I can say or do,
except in friendship,
or support,
or to try to be inspiring.

And even then,
I fear the layers of honesty
may fissure
and let my heart
seep through.

*

The look in your eyes tells me otherwise
I was driving,
with tears welling,
until it dawned on me.

Things didn’t add up.

The tone and the actions
ran contrary to what you said.

There was a surface smoothness about it –
which I think now is because
you’ve tried to convince yourself of it –
The look in your eyes told me otherwise.

You think I’m better off without you.
You’re wrong.

*

No Apologies
I love you.

And I make no apologies for it.

*

No One
no one looks at me the way you do.
no one.

there are moments when your eyes
scream for me to keep searching,

to press the cracks and break you free.

*

Running
The rhythmic sound
of your strides on the
pavement –

I picture your shoes –
New Balance, I think,
though I’m not sure why.

*

That’s the Truth
I’m never getting over you
But the truth is
I don’t want to.

*

To Be
I want to be
part of your hope
not your frustration,
part of your joy
not your sadness,
part of your faith
not your anxiety.

*

Tortured Genius
It never would have worked
had he gone the other direction –
become an engineer,
or a lawyer –
had that stable middle class life.

My darkness never would have fit there.
Here it is accepted,
expected.

I love it,
and I love you for making it possible.

*

Trapped Where You Are
Toes in the wet sand
and a hand full of stars –

you thought back
to the close of that day,

and it kept you going
across the plains of Nebraska,
through the foothills of Appalachia
the start of another long tour –
too soon since the last.

You were looking forward to Paris
but time had you locked in
the space where you were.

*

The Truth about Scotch
You
only pull out the
scotch
when things
are bad.

*

Tulips
I send my love like sunshine
in a warm and gentle way
to fill each corner of your heart
each and every day.

*

Untitled
In the dark hours
when the loneliness sets in –
call me.

Collect.

*

Unwavering
To be the woman
you find comfort in
when tears turn to trembling -
soft and strong,
tough and gentle.

*

Wishing won’t make it so
I won’t smother you by calling all the time
pressing continuously
for space in your life

If it’s not what you want,
wishing won’t make it so

*

You Know It
It eats at you
because you’re not the type to settle,
be complacent.

You dare others,
and you dare yourself.

You pretend to be intimidated by others’ talent,
but your heart knows that you are their equal.

*

Your Eyes
Your eyes
tell me things
your heart is afraid
to admit.

Those velvet browns
don’t lie –
they give away your secrets,
your hopes,
your fears.

"Pulling a Mandy"

This is a classic example of "pulling a Mandy". . .

This morning after I got up, I did some stuff around the apartment and then made my bed. Just now, I was going to lay down and do some reading for a class. . .

Book in hand, I literally jumped into bed. BAM! Right on top of a three-hole punch that I didn't realize was under the down comforter.

The comforter was fluffy enough to hide the punch, but not fluffy enough to save me from the indentation of a three-hole punch in my ribs.

Argh. Yet again, I've pulled a Mandy.

more congrats

More congratulations are in order!

Jackie & Lorne got married in Vegas last weekend

and

Katie & James got engaged!

42 Poems

From the file I found the other day. . .

afternoon
listening to
scratchy 45’s
spinning
on the turntable

*

The Boy
He grows more and more like you
every day.

I love it
and it scares me.

I fell for him even before he
cried for the first time.

I imagine you’ll play together some day –
I can’t wait to see it.

He sits and writes music
that I can hear.

Your voice, your words appear in his hand –
only left to your right.

*

Canvas
Gesso was dried beneath my fingernails
and cobalt streaked my blue jeans.

It matched the ferrule of the red sable #3
holding the twist of my hair
and the strip of torn canvas stuck to my shoe.

*

Colors of the Status Quo
The painted plaid of pitiful conservatism.

*

The Death of Hope
Shattered dreams are shattered dreams,
no matter how or why –
you’re still lying in pieces on the ground.

*

Distorted
muted, blurry image
like looking through
ice on a window

*

Egregious
The
despicable
sense
of entitlement

*

The Elms
On the far side of a sunny wood,
stands a small shack –
a playhouse
for explorers and woodsmen
under ten.

There, happy little boys are having lunch
beneath towering elms
that knew the laughter of
their great grandfathers.

*

English Countryside
Here, the sun shines a little bit brighter
the breeze just a bit softer, more relaxing
and the flowers smell a bit sweeter.

*

ER
The light in the waiting room flickered
through the scent of
stale cigarettes and beer

There was blood on the floor
but no one seemed to notice.

*

Fractal
you hurl me into discord
with your psychotropic trill

*

Glass Like Diamonds
Like a trillion slivered shards
reflecting the light
as they sink through the water

*

Ireland
A land shrouded in mystical wonder –
sea-faring Celtic warriors,
a people one with the earth,
steadfast in their work,
fiercely loyal to family, faith, land
and devoted to their king.

The Emerald Isle –
a patchwork of farmers, fishermen
and wandering gypsies,
poets and bards
inspired by her shores.

Castles of stone,
meadows of lowing cows – red and white,
sheep milling about,
being shepherded by shaggy dogs.

A land where my father would have been king -
where our blood knows the pulse of rivers
and our hearts are content.

*

Justification
If you never wholeheartedly attempt
to live up to your potential,
you can never fail.

*

The Locket
She had a heart like cotton candy –
light and sweet –

a smile that was quick to appear
and tears that seldom showed.

She kept them in a locket
that hung close to her heart.

*

Marmalade Skies
The setting sun falls from marmalade skies.

*

Offering
a little boy
dressed in white
holding
a bouquet of
tiny pink roses

*

One Voice
In time,
the fragmented shards
of your own inner being
will heal,
fuse
into a singular voice.

*

Prisoner of Ignorance
Deep within the volumes of a chained library
was a note
inscribed by the steady hand of a wife
who was not supposed to be able to read –
a secret skill which gave her more escape
than any affair ever could.

*

Proclamation
“I Love That Boy!” she proclaimed,
spinning circles
arms wide to the sky.

*

Quest
lives that mesh together

*

A Quiet Lullaby
A mother stands at the clothesline
humming a lullaby

The warm wind does its best
to clear her clouded mind.

*

Realization
People fight
in all languages

*

Sassy
You are the King
of my universe.

Rule it.

*

Self-Fulfilling Prophecy
Believe you will fail,
and you will.

*

Sign
dreams of her
invade
your consciousness

*

Singed
Like molten lava,
thick and slow,
reaching out
to kiss the green lawn,
hugging icicles into steam. . .

*

Sleep Invades
Sleep invades
my consciousness
as I
claw my way
back to lucid

*

Something to Believe In
The hopes of a desperate heart,
became the wealth of nations,
the prosperity that fed their hungry masses.

*

Splash of Color
My green pen
lays down ink
my purple pen
cannot.

Of that,
I can assure you.

*

Still Life
Bathed in a golden light
and suspended motionless against time

*

Sugar Hill
Sittin in the park
lookin up at Sugar Hill
where life is sweet

*

The Sun Burned Orange
The sun burned orange against the building
and in the windows of the cars across the street.

*

Talisman
A small jade elephant
hung from her neck
by a silver thread.

*

Tangled
I’ve been stuck in fantasy lately.
Stay there til Sunday morning.
Tangled up in blankets,
such a beautiful mess.

*

Tangy
Savor the words
like succulent fruits
whose juice
glistens
on your lips

*

The things of childhood
Playdoh, Legos, Linkin’ Logs,
Erector sets, Connex,
fingerpaints
and pots and pans

Measuring cups in the sandbox
and sandbox toys in the bathtub.

Jugs of bubble juice
and Chiclets,
yellow galoshes and
Silly Putty

Lace Easter bonnets
and patent leather shoes,
clip on ties (over camo t-shirts)

Buttercups and dandelions in a Dixie cup
for you,
with love,
on a sunny day

*

A Toast
Here’s to happiness by the spoonful
and enjoying every moment –

*

Turns Out I Was Wrong
It was all a rouse.

After fifteen years,
it turns out I was searching for him,
not you.

Preparing to be with him,
knowing him.

The evening will be warm
and laughter abound.

I wonder briefly what you will say –
the look in your eyes when I walk in with him.

*

The Waters of Tumult
The images
of my words
call out to you,

stirring the
waters of tumult

*

The White Moth
All weekend,
I was the only person in the carriage house.

For two days, there was a furry, white,
wooly mammoth moth
on the wall by the laundry room.

Every time I walked by and it was there, I thought,
“Wow. That is so beautiful.”

Today, I walked by on my way to the kitchen,
and it was smashed against the wall –
a smear of guts
and on the floor,
the crushed remains, twisted and torn.

*

Wild
unabashed
rogue spirit
dancing beneath
the
cool white moon

Thinking about Tomorrow

I have no idea where I will be or what I'll be doing after graduation. What I do know is: A) I have to get out of NYC for my own sanity; B) I need some kind of normal routine for a while (not boring, just stable); and C) Ideally my job would be a logical stepping stone to something more (and here more has many meanings).

While not all of these ideas fit those criteria, here's what I've been considering:

1) Move to Hawaii and teach English.

2) Move to the Caribbean and be a bartender.

3) Buy a ranch in Wyoming or Colorado and run a crunchy writers retreat.

4) Move to northern California and buy a small winery.

5) Move to the south of France and work in a bakery.

6) Start a company that specializes in the research and renovation of historic houses.

7) Open a coffeeshop/art gallery/acoustic music venue in the space on the corner.

8) Study philosophy at Oxford.

9) Buy the abandoned train depot back home and open a small club that specializes in the recording of live albums.

10) Study art history at Cambridge in England.

11) Be a nomadic transient novelist. A few months here, a few months there.

12) Join the Peacecorps or Americorps.

13) Take the summer off and carry out my penny idea.

14) Apply for college teaching positions.

Quotes from Abe Lincoln

I believe each individual is naturally entitled to do as he pleases with himself and the fruit of his labor, so far as it in no way interferes with any other man’s rights.

Be sure you put your feet in the right place, then stand firm.

Good things come to those who wait, but only the things left by those who hustle.

You cannot escape the responsibility of tomorrow by evading it today.

Behind the cloud the sun is shining.

Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other one thing.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

Countdown. . .

100 days til graduation!!!!!!!

I repeat. 100 days til graduation!

The Wedding Date

Went and saw The Wedding Date this afternoon. It was such a beautiful day that I just started walking and before I knew it, I was half-way downtown and there was a theatre right in front of me.

You really couldn't miss it. They were having a VIP screening of Winnie the Pooh's new movie. I shit you not. There were security guards and tv cameras and special dividers in the entrance. What I want to know is: who gets invited to a special screening of Pooh's movie?

I dunno.

Anyway, The Wedding Date was cute, but not as good as I thought it would be. It wasn't worth the $15 admission or the $8 bag of popcorn.

Man, I can't wait until all tv and movies are On-Demand. New releases could be pay-per-view, I'd pay the premium for it. To be able to press play at any time of day and pause, fast-forward, rewind. . . it would be great.

Think about it. They could put ALL the old tv shows on there! Wouldn't it be great to sit down on your couch on Saturday afternoon and watch 6 hours of Punky Brewster? Or Simon & Simon? Or Thundercats? fabulous. simply fabulous.

Any show, any time. Even failed pilots.

It'd be like Netflix, Blockbuster on Demand, Video on Demand, and TIVO all at the same time. I can't wait until that day. I'm sick of having my options limited by The Man, Big Brother, The Establishment.

This is nuts.

So I was sitting here procrastinating and decided to dig through my e-notebook to see what random stuff I hadn't posted yet. I found a file called "Quotes" - it is 55 pages long! yipes.

I also came across one just labeled "Savoring Notes". It's 21 pages long and lots of it is complete pieces. (This doesn't count all the stuff that's in my little black notebook, which incidently is just a few pages from full.) whoa. I'm gonna go look at it now to see if maybe I have posted some of the stuff and just forgot to delete it from the file.

Proverbs from around the world

The heart that loves is always young. Greek Proverb

A wise man never knows all, only fools know everything. African Proverb

No revenge is more honorable than the one not taken. Spanish proverb

What is the use of running when we are on the wrong road? Bavarian proverb

Many things are lost for the lack of asking. English Proverb

Speech is silver, silence is golden. German Proverb

A mother understands what a child does not say. Jewish proverb

Endurance pierces marble. Moroccan proverb

Eyesight is more powerful than hearsay. Icelandic proverb

What you are is God's gift to you. What you do with yourself is your gift to God. Danish proverb

Sometimes I go about with pity for myself and all the while Great Winds are carrying me across the sky. Ojibway proverb

A camel never sees its own hump. African Proverb

Men grow old, pearls grow yellow, there is no cure for it. Chinese Proverb

Only a fool tests the depths of the waters with both feet. African Proverb

The best mirror is a friend's eye. Gaelic Proverb

Words are the keys to the heart. Chinese proverb

Difficulties make you a jewel. Japanese Proverb

What comes from your heart is greater than what comes from your hand only. Redouin Proverb

It takes all sorts to make a world. English proverb

Everyone is the age of their heart. Guatemalan proverb

Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you. Maori proverb

The best time to plant a tree was years ago. The second best time is now. Chinese Proverb

If only youth had wisdom, if only age had strength. French proverb

If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow. Chinese Proverb

On the road between friends, grass does not grow. Norwegian proverb

No one is rich enough to do without a neighbor. Danish proverb

It is not enough for a man to know how to ride, he must also know how to fall. Native American Proverb

Do not confine your children to your own learning, for they were born in another time. Hebrew proverb

Beware of too great a bargain. New England Proverb

Choose thy love. Love thy choice. German proverb

Patience makes all hardships light. Estonian proverb

If there is no wind, row. Latin proverb

He who is outside his door already has a hard part of his journey behind him. Dutch proverb

One who asks is a fool for five minutes, but one who never asks is a fool forever. Chinese Proverb

Tell me, I forget. Show me, I remember. Involve me, I understand. Chinese Proverb

A man's worst enemies can't wish on him what he can think up himself. Yiddish Proverb

All things change, and we change with them. Latin Proverb

An agreement is more valuable than money. Russian Proverb

Ask advice from everyone, but act with your own mind. Yiddish Proverb

Charity sees the need; not the cause. German proverb

A clear conscience sleeps during thunder. Jamaican proverb

He who builds to every man's advice will have a crooked house. Danish Proverb

It is the heart that gives, the hand just lets go. Nigerian Proverb

When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you African Proverb

Enough is better than too much. French Proverb

He who likes cherries soon learns to climb. German proverb

To change and to change for the better are two different things. German proverb

The reputation of one thousand years may determined by the conduct of one hour. Japanese Proverb

I will charge you nothing but the promise that you will help the next man you find in trouble. Mennonite Proverb

Write kindness in marble and write injuries in the dust. Persian Proverb

Those who wish to sing always find a song. Swedish proverb

Once the game is over, the king and the pawn go back to the same box. Italian Proverb

In the land of hope there is never any winter. Russian Proverb

Irony and Vengeance (and a moment of gloating)

The last of my grades from fall semester were just posted today.

I got an Honors grade (the highest grade one can receive) from Nobel Prize-winning Joseph Stiglitz!!!

It was totally fabulous and seemed to me like the irony of all ironies.

First semester last year, I was cursed with the assigned-study-group-from-hell and a motherf&*^ing Finance professor that flunked me. And now I feel vindicated.

*evil snicker*

You 4 can KISS MY ASS!!! I'll take the opinion of a respected Nobel winner over yours any day.

GO TO HELL rat bastards!!! I will NEVER do business with any of you. I can promise you that.

*sinister grin*