What happened to human contact? I think I set a new record for incoming email today. The Inbox had 163 emails in it. (And there's still three hours left of this day.) ARGH.

What would people do if I set my Out of Office Assistant to return every email with the message: "Sorry, my 'To Do' list is full. You'll have to do it yourself."

I think I'd follow that up with a voicemail recording that says: "Hi, if you owe me money or are delivering flowers, please leave a message. If not, go away."

Midterms are over now, which is a great feeling. I like the two new classes we picked up, and I got a good final grade in the course I really wanted to do well in, for which I am grateful beyond words.

And perhaps best of all, tonight I realized I am learning.

I am learning how the system works, how to budget my time better, what my strengths are, how I can contribute, how to be more flexible, how to follow, how to listen for what's not being said as much as what is said, how to look ahead and stay focused on the now, how to carve a place for myself in a system designed for my antithesis.

I am exhausted, and grateful, and happy, and hopeful.

Good night.

The world never ceases to shock and amaze me.

It looks like MRL Academy may become reality about ten years ahead of schedule. Hopefully the Time Magazine cover will read: Education Maven, and I'll be in a fabulous blue-gray suit, leaning against a desk with arms folded.

Mark down today's date.

Exhaustion, thy name is Amanda.

Zev is on his way to Williamsburgh to spin jazz and trip-hop. When I left him at the station I wished I were going with him. But now I'm extremely glad I passed on both that and the various drunken/dancing outings my friends are doing tonight. I have no energy to celebrate today's completion of mid-terms other than to be grateful for the opportunity to spend quality time with my pillow from now until 5am.

He is the loci
of a great
centripetal force -

a fishnet
that ensnared her
long ago.

Perhaps you think of her
as the victim
of a hapless fate -

the prey of a captor
that never meant
for such a thing

ready to be
thrown overboard
amid the other waste.

But perhaps the heart
of a wise old fishman
sees past the oyster

for the pearl it harbors
and his cognizance
will reverse her fortune.

As I was headed home the other night, I noticed that the man across from me on the train had hands like yours. He was reading Steinbeck.

The latino next to me was tapping his foot to a beat that only he could hear. I imagined a spanish love song, until he pulled the cover insert of Tapestry from his pocket.

It's not something I see everyday - your hands, Steinbeck on the subway, and a Mexican guy listening to Carol King.

Siblings: I beg you please, please, please lay off the large quantities of weed, etc. I worry, and love you both too much to withstand anything bad happening to either of you.

Love & Hugs,
a.

p.s. Thanks for calling/text messaging to let me know you're okay. It's always good to hear your voices no matter what time of day or night.

Spent most of the day in the library pulling together a project and finally have it nearly ready for the mail.

Then enjoyed the fresh air and soaked up the Wyclef Jean concert. He was fabulous, especially for diffusing and neutralizing the Bloods/Cryps battle that escalated between some VIPs on stage. Thankfully there was no blood shed witnessed.

I am totally sad that Erykah Badu did not show up. I'm a huge fan, and was looking so forward to hearing her live. I was hoping to score the new cd, which ironically is barely selling in record stores. Talk about your classic illustration of how artists have to tour like hell in order to get discs to move.

No, I was not among those decapitated or otherwise mutilated yesterday on the ferry, but thanks for asking.

I have been checking, printing and responding to email since 6:15. How is that possible?!?

"The beginnings of all things are small." - Cicero

(Chapters 3 – 8) It took me a while, but here are the final highlights from Marcus Aurelius' Meditations.

The Well: Dig inside; inside is the fountain of good, and it will forever flow, if you will forever dig.

When your inner spirit is in harmony with Nature, it can adapt easily to all events and possibilities.

We can compare the spirit to a bonfire that consumes whatever is thrown in it. If the fire is feeble it can be extinguished, but a strong blaze feeds on everything and its flames grow even higher.

Peace lies within.

Nothing is sadder than people who. . . as the poets says, “search the bowels of the earth” and peer intently into the minds of others without realizing that all they need to discover is their own inner spirit.

Inner Truth

The soul can expand to contain the entire universe and the surrounding void. [I]t extends itself into the infinity of time. . .

Short is the life we lead, and small our patch of earth.

the parade of humanity is transient and trivial

Don’t seek to gain anything for yourself that forces you to break your word or lose self-respect; to hate. . . or to be insincere or to desire something that needs to remain secret.

Perspective: Gaze in wonder at the ever-circling star, as if you were floating among them; and consider the alterations of the elements, constantly changing into one another. Thinking such thoughts washes away the dust of life on earth.

A Reason for Everything: To remember this helps you face uncertainty with tranquility.

Anything that is beautiful is beautiful just as it is. True beauty has no need of anything beyond itself.

Nature does not bring you anything you can’t endure.

When you are disturbed by events and lose your serenity, quickly return to yourself and don’t stay upset longer than the experience lasts; for you’ll have more mastery over your inner harmony by continually returning to it.

[D]eal with everything with perfect and simple dignity; maintain a feeling of compassion, independence, and justice, and keep your mind free from all other thoughts.

[T]rue freedom is in the mind.

Will you ever find the happiness of pure simplicity or dignity? Or the serene understanding of the inner essence of each object?

And now I find out he's from Wisconsin!

What the hell?!?

Him and Eric Benet. . . our state has a problem with its export of hot men. They leave. And who moves to the state? Dustin Diamond. (Remember? Screech from Saved By the Bell.)

argh.

Mark Ruffalo bears a frightening resemblance to an old flame. I'm not sure what it is about him, but it's bizarre.

"There is a lot of stuff we've shoved under the carpet - so much, we have a bulging heap that can't be traversed" - a professor trying to bring a class discussion of ethics back to reality.

"Which brings us to the strategic mystery of all time: Can French men cook?" - P. Azoulay

"Maintenance records can be found at the Office of Vertical Transport" - in all the elevators on campus. It strikes me as both funny and an infuriating use of my tuition dollars.

Who created pink dress shirts for men? And who keeps perpetuating their existence?

Since there is an organization for everything here, I wonder if the University would support me in the establishment of a Coalition Against Pink Shirts For Men.

Guys - just don't do it.

A song came on the radio as I was driving down that dark, cold road and a tidal wave swept over me. I thought I would drown if I didn't hear your voice.

And in that wave of emotion, my fear welled up from its place inside, until I froze. Stuttering, every last one of my words escaped, leaving me with none to pass to you. Forgive me, my silence carries with it beautiful intentions.

Still absent, I will trade my words for those on the radio that night. . .

"Anymore"
by Travis Tritt

I can't hide the way I feel about you
anymore

I can't hold the hurt inside,
keep the pain out of my eyes
anymore

My tears are no longer waiting,
my resistance ain't that strong -

My mind keep recreating
a life with you alone

And I'm tired of pretending
that I don't love you anymore.

Let me make one last appeal
to show you how I feel about you
'cause there's no one else I swear
that holds a candle anywhere next to you

My heart can't take the beating
not having you to hold

A small voice keeps repeating,
deep inside my soul - It says,
"I can't keep pretending I don't love you anymore."

I've got to take the chance or let it pass by
if I expect to get on with my life

My tears are no longer waiting,
my resistance ain't that strong

My mind keeps recreating
a life with you alone

And I'm tired of pretending I don't love you anymore. . .

anymore
anymore

"I was born with the voice of a riot, a storm
lightening the function, the form, far from the norm
I won't follow like cattle, I'm more like the catalyst,
calm in the mix of battle."

- Zack de la Rocha

I am eating Lucky Charms for dinner out of a saucepan with a measuring spoon.

This is absurd.

When (if) I finish this semester, I am going to crack open a very nice bottle of champagne, get stupid drunk, and dance around singing at the top of my lungs that I NEVER HAVE TO ENDURE CORE SEMESTER EVER AGAIN!!!

Any one have suggestions for what my celebration song should be?

Quotes from Marcus Aurelius' Mediations, Chapter 2: Cultivating the Self

The perfection of character consists in living each day as if it were the last and being neither violently excited, nor apathetic, nor insincere.

Nature hasn’t blended your mind so completely with your body, as to deny you the power to limiting yourself and bringing under your control everything that you are. Always bear that in mind, and remember how little is needed to live a happy life.

It is quite possible to become a great sage and yet never be recognized.

Never to abandon philosophy no matter what happens to us is a principle of all the schools. Just be intent on what you are doing now and how you are doing it.

For to continue to live as you are, to be torn and soiled by your present way, shows the character of a fool who clings to life, like gladiators half-eaten by lions.

No one was ever injured by the truth, but a man injures himself if he lives with self-deception and ignorance.

The warrior spirit. . .

Don’t waste your life thinking about other people, unless it’s to help them in some way. For, by wondering what so-and-so is up to and why, you lose the chance to do something useful for yourself, and let your mind get clogged with thoughts like these.

A rational mind should be so engaged that if someone should suddenly ask, “What are you thinking about?” you could with complete freedom and spontaneity say what was on your mind.

No Time to Waste: Think about how many years you have been putting things off, and how often the gods have given you extra periods of grace, and still you don’t use them.

You have been given only a limited period of time, and if you do not use it for blowing away the clouds from your mind, it will pass away and you will go with it, never to return.

Survival by simplicity: Don’t disturb yourself by ruminating on your entire life; don’t dwell on the many troubles that may happen to you.

Remember: The past and future can’t harm you – only the present can.

Aim and Purpose: The person who does not have one steady and unvarying aim in life, cannot be the same person all through that life.

Okay, I HAVE to continue this morning's entry on Stupid Humans by adding what I just read in the NY Times.

Yesterday, NYPD responded to a call in Harlem about large amounts of urine seeping through someone's ceiling and wild animals in the city.

What they found when they got to the apartment in question (and cut a peephole in the door) was a 350-pound Begal tiger and a 5-foot caiman (one of those snakey-crocodile things).

After calling in experts from the Bronx zoo, and lowering a sniper armed with a tranquilizer gun from the roof to sedate the tiger through the window, they hauled the critters out on stretchers.

What I want to know is: What kind of idiot has a 350 pound tiger and a crocodile as pets?! In an apartment?! In New York City?! And secondarily, where the hell did he get them and what's he been feeding them?

Talk about your insurance liabilities.

Picture it: NYC man sent to prison for life. His pals in the clink say, "Hey man, what you in for?" And he replies, "My tiger ate the little kid that lived next door."

The NY Fire Dept is currently battling a fire on the first floor of the building across the street. They broke the door down and black smoke is billowing out.

Meanwhile, on the fifth floor, there is a woman hanging out the window smoking a cigarette and watching them.

Now, don't you think that if you can see that there is a fire in your own building that perhaps, just as a precaution, you would leave the building? (Rather than be trapped on the fifth floor.)

I ask myself, "Am I this stupid?" Please, if any of you encounter me being so ridiculously moronic, have me arrested.

Worked at both jobs today. My first doc student passed her dissertation defense this week and today handed in her 400 page dissertation. Usually the defense committee hands candidates a list of things to revise and improve before the final document can be sent to publication. What did they give her? Nothing. Damn we were a good team. I was so proud to be the first one to call her Dr. K.

Met with the PR consultants from Ford and they were blown away by the strategic plan I had developed for the Center. Ha Ha Ha - basically screwed them out of $10,000 billable dollars. What did the Center pay? About $250. (And I wonder why I can't pay the rent.) !?!

Missed both classes.

Date was a bust. I think I'm a little crunchy for him. (A Goldman Sachs, suburban type. I got the feeling he was looking for a way to escape.)

Party I threw tonight was a raucous good time, for some more than others. Obviously I'm at home on the computer, case in point.

What's spinning: Sons of Trout, "Sold Out"