"Again and again something in one's own life, or in the life around one, will seem so important that one cannot bear to let it pass into oblivion. There must never come a time, the writer feels, when people do not know about this." - Lady Murasaki

Beyond leaded windows, dark green ivy creeps up wrought iron gates. In mahogany libraries secrets are whispered between volumes softly scented with the gentle blue smoke of a reader's pipe.

When I got to the train this morning, I knew it was one of those days where all I wanted to do was stay at home all day listening to Pat Metheny.

From the smell on the platform and the broken bottle on the tracks, I also knew that last night had been one of those lonely nights when someone had only a fifth of Jack to keep them warm. His body was gone, but his ghost still lingered there.

Now I'm listening to Prince's "Purple Rain" and checking out of my life for a few minutes, grateful for the moment of solitude.

Joel turned me on to Mouse's "You're the good things," which is spinning now. It's one of those titles that has extreme potential, but the song falls flat. It's a sheer disappointment to me, so I leave him to enjoy it.

Meanwhile, I try to keep my mind from wondering where he gets the fat hoards of cash he seems to have. It's one of those things where you want to say, "Umm, what's the deal yo? Real people don't live like you, they have to work for a living," but you know it doesn't matter 'cuz he'll die young from all the drugs anyway.

Assuming pushers don't snort their own goods, I think his mom is funding his habits to make herself feel better for never having spent any time or love on him as a child.

Spinning now: Mason Jennings - "Livin' in the Moment" (Saw him at the Barrymore way back. I think Pete Yorn was also on the bill. That was an interesting evening.)

I'm extremely sick of entertaining discussions on the cost of education with people who know nothing about it. Teachers themselves tend to be the worst. It's a constant, "If they would just put the money into education..."

I myself have a minimal knowledge of the myriad of funding mechanisms across the states, but the statement above is the equivalent of me walking up a random person on the sidewalk and saying: "My grama has red hair, I can't rollerblade very well, and I need more money to get there," then just staring at the person blankly.

Who are "they"? Get where? How? When? For what reason?

It's good to splurge every once in a while, right? Well, I confess I have. Between the way I've been feeling lately and my impending birthday, there was a sense of entitlement in it too.

The splurge itself was nothing huge, but I am really really enjoying the treat. First, curtains. I happened upon them the other day and absolutely loved them. So, I thought about it a few days and went back and bought them. Second, soap. I know that sounds strange, but a few years ago I came across some oatmeal buttermilk soap at one of my favorite resorts and I've been searching for it ever since. I found it online the other day and as it turns out it isn't sold in any stores in the U.S. So, I ordered it straight from London.

I guess you know you're getting old when new soap and curtains are considered a splurge and you take pleasure in them.

The weather was totally sexy today. It had that odd spring energy to it. The sky was dark, threatening a storm all day until finally the rain broke loose around 7. The air was heavy, not warm, but you could feel it was right at that edge.

I think I'll go to bed early and make the most of this good sleeping weather.

What's spinning: Coltrane - "After the Rain"

Following the example of In Passing, I thought I'd throw these snippets up.

I overheard this one on the sidewalk walking home from work Saturday. No clue what the two women were talking about, but the piece I caught intrigued me.

"It makes women of a certain age powerful and dangerous at the same time."

This one was off one of the oodles of movies I watched last week:

"What's given to you in the moment is infinitely better than anything you could plan."

What's spinning: "Will and Anna" - the theme from Notting Hill

I'm ready to pitch a tent in the middle of Central Park. I can't take any more "news" about the war. The photos of our guys that were tortured sent me reeling this morning. I vow not to read anymore newspapers or listen to the radio this week.

On a much Much MUCH happier note, I can't wait to see Finding Nemo. Anyone else? I feel like the world has lost its whimsy. Come on Eisner, show us what you've got.

Lack of word on the job in DC is killing me, so I called there this morning. They haven't made any decisions yet, and apparently have a monster load of applicants. I'm supposed to be "contacted" next Monday. Meanwhile, my loan apps for summer and next year as well as my summer housing deposit are due now. Hmm. There's a good $15,000 budget difference between moving there for a job this summer or staying here and taking classes. Argh. Your guess is as good as mine.

What's spinning: Dishwalla

Long night.

What's spinning: Trembling Blue Stars - "Nobody but you"

Trying to get my head back in the game and prepare myself for reentering the world Monday.

What’s spinning: Ben Folds “The Luckiest,” Dishwalla "Every Little Thing," Dirty Dozen/Norah Jones "Ruler of my Heart"

Today's quote: "It is the simple things of life that make living worthwhile, the sweet fundamental things such as love and duty, work and rest, and living close to nature." - Laura Ingalls Wilder

Okay, if you're like me you're so sick of hearing about the war you may extract your own eardrums (and I don't even own a tv, so I know y'all are absorbing a lot more of the commercialized theatrics than I am).

So here's an entire post dedicated to things I learned today (or was reminded of) that I vow to attempt to integrate into my life should the world not come to a firey end in the next few days.

Notes to Self from the 2003 CWIB Conference (in random order):

Be steadfast unto yourself.

Aim high, act boldly.

Leverage your strengths.

Recognize when you’ve become static and need to grow again.

Never settle – go after your passion, the thing that’s right for you.

The greatest learning opportunities are accompanied by the steepest learning curves.

Aspire.

Dare.

The key to happiness is balance. Finding balance is a dynamic thing, constantly changing.

Share your life with someone who makes your life wider & deeper.

Give back to your community.

In the great scheme of your life, money doesn’t compare to having passion for what you do.

“Speeding bullet” moments – those near misses with disaster.

Don’t allow yourself to be boxed in.

Set a time limit on wallowing in boredom.

Remember the value of the tactical retreat.

Seek maximum impact.

Pick your head up and get the job done. Shoulder to the grindstone.

To be a great leader, you have to be followed by good people. You have to motivate and challenge them, give them growth opportunities, and show them you appreciate them.

Leverage your resources: intellect, instinct, social capital, experience, femininity.

Be straightforward. Address conflict and greet it with a patient heart.

Get comfortable with not knowing.

Identify the root of what you’re dealing with.

Learn from the people around you.

You need to have people around you that are supportive.

Perception is there even before you get a chance to prove who you are.

You can disarm your adversaries by controlling your reaction.

Know yourself and your skills.

Overcome setbacks by dealing with crossroads and turning points constructively.

Use guerilla tactics.

You’re not listening if you’re always selling or telling.

Know your opponents and allies inside out.

You have to create your own opportunity when a door closes.

It is possible to do good and do well.

Build your own brand equity

Make networking a part of your life.

Guard yourself against exclusion from informal networks.

Enjoy people. Genuinely.

What is your personal catch phrase?
How do you know you’ve achieved your mission?
Are you sending signals of commitment?
How is your leadership style shaped by your background and how you grew up?
Perception is reality. How are you perceived? Why are you perceived that way?

Be cautious of “doing something for the challenge.” Is it purposeful? Does it add meaning or fulfillment to your life?

The “perfect job” isn’t born. It becomes what you make it.

Become an “intrapreneur.” Innovate around where you are and push the boundaries.

Select a firm that shares your values and respects culture.

Who do you want to wake up and hang out with?

Be a key part of the productivity of the world.

You can never get EVERYTHING done or get everything done PERFECTLY.

Recognize “Stretch Opportunities”

What does your skillset lend itself to? Look internally. Don’t be afraid of risk.

Identifying your advocates and allies in an organization requires political astuteness.

Every young professional faces the potential for the “accumulation of disadvantage.”

Don’t fail to recognize negotiating opportunities.

Don’t take on “invisible work” without putting a value on it.

Don’t take on new roles without support.

Instead of taking no for an answer, get to yes incrementally.

Know your team, their strengths, their personality types. What have you done for your team lately?

Measure yourself by the legacy of talent you’ve cultivated.

At receptions and dinners: think on your feet. Get into the ear of the right people and out again cleanly. Always sit next to the decision maker. It will ensure your voice gets heard.

For every job there are four types of candidates:
1. Those who look right and are right.
2. Those who look right and are wrong.
3. Those who look wrong and are wrong.
4. Those who look wrong and are right.

Sometimes I forget that I'm temporarily living on some bizarre alter planet here - then I'm reminded by something like today's Women in Business conference.

You know how at some conferences you get a little goodie bag? Generally it's the standard fair of plastic bags filled with pencils and balloons and bumper stickers and gummy erasers or keychains (at snazzy conferences one of those cheap canvas bags and a stess ball).

The conference I went to today was great don't get me wrong, I was reminded of a lot of good lessons (which I'll put up here later), but the "goodie" bag. . . I have to say honestly shocked me. I know it'll be a strange transition to the B-school, but here's a taste:

Today's goodie bag was a canvas computer tote that contained:
- a bottle of champagne
- a cd from a new R&B artist
- a BMW catalogue
- a pass to the Sports Club of LA
- toblerone chocolate
- $15 of haircare products from Redken
- $20 of lip gloss from Lancome
- $20 of Portico bath soap
- $50 of Victoria's secret perfume and lotion
- $50 of Spa treatments and a gift certificate to Crabtree & Evelyn
- $50 pewter letter opener and pen set from Citigroup

At lunch everyone's place setting also included a small gold bag containing a Hindi pin depicting the celebration of women.

One last note. . . to commemorate this being the 10th Anniversary of the conference, the steering committee and sponsors commissioned Faith Ringgold to create a special piece of artwork. Whoa.

Alter. Universe.

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray that peace my soul will keep.
If I should die before I wake,
I give my peace your soul to take.

If waking find me neither here nor there,
I pray you'll find peace everywhere.
And when the day comes to a close,
May hope and love make friends of foes.

This city is so quiet right now it freaks me out. I went to cnn.com to see what is going on. It's such an eerie stillness that I welcome the sounds of the occasional bus rumbling through or squad car siren in the distance.

To compound the bizarre, the apaches and blackhawks that have been patrolling airspace all day run on whisper at night. On the 11th floor your can feel the whirring cadence of the blades.

Today I prayed for peace -
thick and calm -
the kind that knows no boundaries,
causes no suffering,
and ends the slow brutal death of humanity -
the peace that gives new life to a civil society,
gives rise to a global community.

Today, I was thankful for Yoko Ono's words in the Voice, so much weaker than John's, but well intended. I pray that America has the strength to face the war that will follow this one. The war that will be so much more important - rebuilding our world, ourselves, our image, our damaged culture - to fight the death of the ideals that form the foundation of this country. However ironic, it is not meaningless that the Bill of Rights was found today, that it wasn't sold. There is no price that can be put on the value of freedom and democracy and respect and peace.

What's spinning: The Lennon Collection, 1969-1980.

Engrossed in a volume of poetry
you stopped on the sidewalk,
and soaked in the lusciousness
of the words -
contemplated their meaning,
their substance,
the way they moved you.

There in the sunlight
you slogged around in their darkness
and emerged with clouded eyes,
your hands dripping with the
essence of their maker -
the artist creator that through
mere ink on a page
shaped a piece of your soul.

A pomegranate margarita
had stained your lips ruby.

They glistened - cool and wet
like jewels.

I wanted to kiss you.

You sat there
seemingly unaware
of how I felt -

Of how at any moment
I would leap from my stool
unable to contain myself.

The air was warm and damp
and the coconut trees
smelled sweet.

The night was sugar,
and the moon
wine.

When I woke up,
I thought I had
nothing to say

but now the sun has set
and words flood my heart.

You are so much
bigger than life,
than the both of us.

It was a small mosaic,
tiny shards of jeweled glass.
Through it, a single ray of light
casts itself on a dusty, wooden floor.

Were anyone to enter upon them,
the boards would creak and moan of age.
But no one enters there,
and empty pews only whisper
of the thunderous hymns
that used to light the fires
of a thousand candles.

Rejoicing and praise,
prayers for strength
and cries for mercy
sent to God's ear
on lines of song.

The strongest desires
grow up from the
very seeds of your soul.

They split open
the fissures
of the material world

and surge toward
the sunlight,
toward freedom.

Yours truly, techno-dunce extraordinaire, did something mighty damn impressive yesterday. All by herself no less. . .

I am giving my little brother my old laptop and wanted to transfer all my old files off it, but it doesn't have a cd burner and there was 40 Megs worth of info to transfer. I pondered the options.

After realizing I didn't have the right cords to do a direct cable connection, I decided that I would attempt an infrared transmission. But first, I had to set up the infrared account thingies on both computers, set them next to one another and get them to talk.

It worked!!! All 40 Megs transferred successfully to the new machine. I am just so damn impressed at accomplishing that feat without having to call for help. Please excuse me while I wallow in the self-satisfaction...

Adam -

The other half of the analogy was a cross between Walter Mitty and Harrison Bergeron.

=) How's that for cranial lagtime?!

"The time to be happy is now; the place to be happy is here." - Robert Ingersoll

"The language of friendship is is not words but meanings." - Thoreau

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

An Irish Blessing

May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the rain fall softly upon your fields,
And the sun shine warm upon your face.
And when you die, may you be in heaven
half an hour before the devil knows you're dead.

Pulled the plastic off the windows this afternoon - I'm no longer feeling like such a prisoner in my own abode. Yea!

I celebrated by buying a bright bouquet of fresh flowers on the street. (Goal in life: Fresh flowers in the house often.)

Two quotes from this past week:

"Let us be grateful to people who make us happy." - Marcel Proust

"I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship." - Louisa May Alcott

Wow. The weather today was unbelievably beautiful. A rich sixty degrees full of sunshine and droves of people on the sidewalks.

I meandered down the street for blocks on end filling my backpack with purchases of exotic fruits and vegetables. The window shopping and people watching was spectacular.

The smells wafting from sidewalk cafes took me back to the glorious days of putting our feet up while kicking back with a cold bottle of microbrew and grilling on the porch of 104 Breeze. Taking in March Madness in true Badger Red style and heckling passersby, later tailgating at Miller Park and hollaring for Burnitz and the Brew Crew. Good times, tinged with a bit of sadness now that those days are gone, but I wouldn't trade them for anything.

Okay, so I stole this from Kevin, but Melissa did too, so I'm in good company.

1. first grade teacher: Mrs. Christensen
2. last word you said: night
3. last song you sang: Hummed really, but Nick Drake’s “Cello Song”
4. last person you hugged: I don’t even remember...Preston I think.
5. last thing you laughed at: Bringing down the House – Queen Latifah
6. last time you said 'I love you': to my mom this afternoon
7. last time you cried: earlier today
8. what's in your CD player: Travis – “Love will come through”
9. color of socks are you wearing: white
10. what's under your bed: empty packing boxes
11. what time did you wake up today: 4:05pm
12. current taste: WinterFresh gum
13. current hair: clean, straight strawberry blonde ponytail.
14. current clothes: white t-shirt, navy blue running pants, lucky green underwear and white socks
15. current annoyance: people who don’t support our soldiers. (Even if you don’t believe in the war, goddammit support the people who have volunteered their lives to protect your home, your family, and your right to bitch.)
16. current longing: Spring and um...
17. current desktop picture: soft blue and silver lights accented with green
18. current worry: That you don’t know I love you, or you do and recoil at the thought.
19. current hate: none. life is too short for hate.
20. story behind your domain: Adam was kind enough to give me the hookup.
21. current favorite article of clothing: Polo jeans (Did Kevin answer “thong” to that?!?) I’m speechless.
22. favorite physical feature of the opposite sex: shoulders
22. favorite physical feature of the same sex: hair
23. last CD that you bought: “Sometimes I Dream” - Mario Frangoulis
24. favorite place to be: in your arms.
25. least favorite place: The darkness that has to be waited out.
26. time you wake up in the morning: around 8am.
27. if you could play an instrument, what would it be: piano/guitar
28. favorite color: blue
29. do you believe in an afterlife: not really
30. how tall are you: 5’11-ish, although with the recent weight of my backpack, probably 5’9ish.
31. current favorite word/saying: “sweet Jesus”
32. favorite book: right now, anything that is not a textbook or “suggested reading”
33. favorite season: autumn
34. one person from your past you wish you could go back and talk to: talk to now, or talk to then?
35. where do you want to go: everywhere.
36. what is your career going to be like: who knows.?!.
37. what kind of car will you have: who knows.!?.
38. type a line you remember from any book: “Where is the keeper that keeps at the zoo? The bear wants to know and the kangaroo.”
39. a random lyric: "Time has told me you’re a rare rare find, a troubled cure for a troubled mind." – Nick Drake
40. identify some things surrounding your computer: speakers, Tiffany lamp, printer, stone pencil cup, random writings on squibbages of color scrap paper.

Only a few more hours until Spring Break. I am planning on spending tomorrow afternoon in my favorite spot in the Met writing. (Random thought: We've been spending a lot of time in Econ talking about "finding your place" in the world, and especially related to a passage of a novel we read.) Interesting.

Although I am bummed that I cancelled my trip to San Francisco, I am sooooo looking forward to spending about three straight days sleeping. I haven't got eight full hours since... I don't know when. Maybe sometime during the first two weeks of the semester.

The rest of Spring Break will be intensely dedicated to trying to catch up. I'm writing off most of the reading I've already missed, but need to start the research process for both my ISE work and my final paper on privatization interventions in education.

Only two weeks left until I find out whether or not I got the fellowship in Washington D.C.. I REALLY, REALLY want this one. (Did I mention that I want to land this one?)

1. My meeting with the guy from the NY Dept. of Education didn't go so well this afternoon. Flipside: He's leaving the department shortly, and apparently there is support in Albany for the project I'm working on.

2. Got an FO letter from one of the place's in L.A.. Flipside: They hinted at a job offer in their NYC office for fall. (And, I don't really want to live in LA. Lots of other places, but not LA.)

Today's quotes are filled with much wisdom. . .

"I wish you sunshine on your paths and storms to season your journey. I wish you peace - in the world in which you live and in the smallest corner of the heart where truth is kept.... More I cannot wish you - except perhaps love - to make all the rest worthwhile." - Robert A. Ward

"The only thing that can beat being alone is being alone with someone else." - Anon

I imagine her walking those hundreds of miles behind the wagon, her mind wandering off leaving only her feet in crude leather shoes to continue on in the dust. The cotton of her simple blue dress was a stark contrast to the sage brocade bustle she donned in her daydreams. There, she could not see the rolling hills of Indiana. They were shut out by the brick and cobblestone filling the window of her New York flat.

The sound of her father’s voice directing the horses melted off into the chiming of the mantle clock as her pen scratched its last lines before a very important meeting with Mr. Bixby. Bixby himself was a funny character, an odd fellow she would weave into her stories one day although she knew it would drive him mad.

Every now and then as they continued to plod on, Charlie would scare up a grouse, and return bounding to her side. He was a nuisance, that dog, always under foot.

Yesterday tested me. I refuse to let today be the same way.

It's a day for crankin' up the B-52's and sneakin' around the nasties that are out to get ya. Ya know what I mean, Vern?

Okay, I have an udderly and completely disturbing story to share, but I'm not going to put it up here because I'm too afraid. It freaks me out. You can email me to get the inside scoop. Although maybe that's not safe either. Call me.

Hopefully I can solve the thing tomorrow and put my mind at ease.

Let's just say it's at a level comparable to running into the guy who broke into my apartment in Madison in August.

Ahhhhh!

That policy simulation. . .

SUCKED!

It sucked like an industrial Hoover on steroids.

If kickboxing was held on Monday nights, I'd be there. Maybe I should call the gym to see if there is open swim tonight.

grrr.

Sun is out, the Hudson is blue, the steam curls up from rooftops. It's beautiful.

The quotes on today's calendars are:

"The secret to success is knowing something no one else knows." - Aristotle Onassis

"Love is something eternal - the aspect may change, but not the essence." - Van Gogh

I like them both.

Wish me luck, major policy presentation today.

"Success is relative: It is what we can make of the mess we have made of things." - T.S. Eliot

All I wanted to do was go to sleep at 8:30 last night because today is going to be such a full day. Instead I laid in bed listening to jackhammering until 11pm only to be awoken by it again at 7:15 this morning. It is unending, these people are inhuman.

I'm going to school now.

Random thing that made my day:

I was on my way to work, having slogged through the snow and slush, nose dripping, hauling a massive load of books, etc and two security guards opened the door for me.

I expressed my appreciation, and one of them turned and said, "Remember us when you become President."

That made me smile.

What's spinning now: David Gray's "Silver Lining"

Today's quote is from Thoreau. . .

"Be true to your work, your word, and your friends."

I've been thinking some about that in context of being true to yourself as well. I was thinking about how Brent moves from country to country every couple of years for work, and wondering if it is easier to stay true to yourself because that's the one constant you carry with you, or if it is far more difficult to keep sight of your roots and who you are because things around you are constantly changing and you're readjusting perpetually.

Check that. It's now snow.

We know how I feel about that.

If I didn't have such Irish skin, I'd move somewhere below the 30th parallel.

I cannot take this unending rain. Maybe the move to London is not such a good idea.

When you're broke and exhausted and lightyears behind in your course readings. . . what could be better than finding two beautiful volumes of Whitman's Leaves of Grass and Thoreau's Walden 75% off at the bookstore? Buying them for yourself. So I did.

Something not many people know about me: I collect old volumes of poetry. One of my favorite things to do is dig through used bookstores and yard sales for turn of the century books of poetry. I love finding the cloth-bound ones with yellow pages (so long as there's no insects).

Someday I will have a library to put them in. I really miss the wall of floor to ceiling bookshelves my dad made for my old apartment. My mom has since stolen them for her sewing room.

Latest addiction: Blackalicious - "Make You Feel That Way"

Good vibe. Check it out for yourself.

Miscellaneous anecdotes in random order. . .

The other night the wind was so intense that it blew through and tore the plastic off my windows. (yes, the plastic was on the inside.) I was up at 4am with a roll of packaging tape securing it back in place. It was cold. There were swear words involved.

***

Last weekend on our way to the movies, I saw a girl asking a national guardsman with a machine gun where the bathroom was. Isn't there some kind of deep satirical irony in that?

***

My Writing Center clients have been growing at a rate of one a day. Today's person is an English Language Learner whose native language is Persian. I didn't even know Persian was a language. I'm not sure he should be seeking my help.

***

On the way home from the movies, I saw a transvestite trying to prostitute himself to a blind man. Isn't there some kind of deeply disturbing commentary about the human condition in that?

***

The line from my latest song. (Yes, the only line.)
"You're my WonderBread - I want to be your peanut butter."
Catchy isn't it? Okay, maybe not.

***

A friend at lunch, on realizing what he wanted too late... "If I were him, I'd be quick. I personally don't understand what the dude is going."

***

Walking down the hall to class with a friend of mine and a friend of hers comes through the door and says, "Hi! Where've you been? We haven't hung out in soooo long."

My friend replies, "Yea, you people don't have enough melanin for me."

***

Paul to Pete: "That's right, it's all about keeping the tinted man down."

A friend of mine might be having her bachelorette party in Vegas. How great a time will that be?! Talk about debauchery, sign me up.

Monday's quote from the calendar:

"The whole world steps aside for the man who knows where he's going." - Anon.

Fat Tuesday's quote:

"Fear less, hope more; whine less, breathe more; talk less, say more; hate less, love more; and all good things are yours." - Swedish proverb

Ash Wednesday quote:

"Hey Sweetheart, how would you like to donate a dollar to the United Negro Pizza Fund?"

I have lots of squibbages of paper piling up - notes to put on the site, but I'm just too tired to bother with it now. Maybe tomorrow.

My stats midterm was killer tonight. I started it at 7:05 and finished it at 10:01. PM!!! The professor had given us a practice take home (2pgs, 10 questions) and said the midterm would be just like it and the homework we've had for the first eight chapters.

WRONG. That thing was ridiculous - filled with obscure stuff I had barely even seen! Not to mention it was nothing like the practice exam, tonight's was 6 pages and 30 questions! Argh. None of my answers matched what other people said they had gotten. Nothing to do now but wait.

The other element of stupidity. . .

I accepted a second job today. Yes, I know it's insane. I still can't believe I did it, and am trying to rationalize it to myself. (I'm the new director of the Supplementary Education Initiative at the Institute for Urban and Minority Education.)

Here's what I've come up with so far for justifications:
1. I need to bolster my resume with urban education experiences.
2. Great connect builder since it is co-sponsored by the NYC Board of Ed.
3. Networking ops with biz, practitioners, & community leaders.
4. $$$ (especially since the unanticipated tuition and rent bills have now hit almost $8,000. -that's a hell of a lot of hours to come up with that many zeroes)
5. Lack of a man + constant preoccupation = I must focus on something else
6. I know I can do it because I've been putting together these types of cross-disciplinary programs for three years now.
7. Increased face time with Institute President (who can pull strings for me in future years)

This was very much a Ben & Jerry's/movie marathon weekend. It was fantastic. I love weekends like that.

The upside to having a ridiculously enormous laptop is being able to watch dvds without having to own a tv.

I just finished watching Possession. I love period piece chic flicks. Maybe someday someone will take one of my sappy novellas and make it a film. So long as I'm dreaming... bring it to Cannes and have a small group of people love it. Nothing mainstream, just unique. That would be fun.

The dreamy gaze
of children on a school bus
rests for a moment
on a young woman
carrying daffodils.

They were bright yellow
against the gray day.

Despite the gray rain, today was beautiful. I know they always talk about autumn in New York, but spring has far more energy. You can feel it already. It's incredible.

Finally got my taxes and most of my financial aid stuff done this morning. It's good to know that uncle Sam owes me, rather than vice versa.

There was a night one summer that stands out vividly against the blur of all the rest. I was listening to Peggy Lee sing "Blues in the Night," over and over and thinking about you.

My bedroom windows were open and I could feel the dew sink in and settle down beneath the fog. The water in the swimming pool was warm and danced its silver reflections across my ceiling. The scent of dried roses on my desk mingled with the scent of the fresh laundry that had come off the line that evening.

I think I may have stayed up all night, but got up at dawn to see the first rays of sunlight burn the haze from the morning air. In the car, the cassette player held Celine Dion, raspy and crackling. "Because you loved me," I think.

We went to school to see you because I thought I might explode if I didn't. I don't know why it gets like that.

Something about that day reminds me of the smell of new tennis balls and my new shoes tied around my tennis racket. It reminds me of how blackberry Clearly Canadian used to taste as it hit my lips from the curved glass bottle.

Everything was surreal then, and I thought I'd never forget any of it. The crush of emotions so intense I swore I could never forget. But there's little of it I remember now, save the occasional flashback brought on by a scent or old friends reminiscing.

Perhaps I'll gather those fleeting memories here as they come and go, and be able to look back on them one day grateful that the wounds of those years have healed shut.

What's spinning. . . Coltrane's "My One & Only Love"

Spring is on its way, you can feel it in the air. There is a heavy, wet, green scent in the air.

Went out with the girls tonight to see the new LL Cool J flick, but all I could think about was you. Why, I don't know. I've never been able to figure out why there are some days I just can't get you out of my head.

Where love waits patiently in faith,
loneliness sometimes lashes out,
makes mistakes.

They wish upon every star,
smile at the thought of you,
and cry when no one is looking.

They search everywhere for a sign, good or bad,
and move on without letting go,
consciously protecting a heart that can't be swayed.

Love takes comfort that you know I'm not "that girl".
I won't call, play games,
won't throw away our friendship
if you don't want to be with me.
I honor that decision, it's yours to make.

Every part of me is aware
that neither of us know
where we'll be a year from now
and the distance doesn't bother me.

I don't want you to change your life
or settle down in one place.
We could live on separate continents forever
and it wouldn't matter to me
as long as we were still a "we".

But, not knowing doesn't make the longing stop
or the days go by any easier
cuz you're never far from my mind.

I'm not after the stupid chemistry
that fades from every relationship with time,
but something stronger -
a deep respect that will grow
and change as we do.

Maybe you laugh at the idea,
and nothing seems more ridiculous.
Maybe the very thought repulses you,
or you've never considered it before
and all I can be is honest.

The windows shuttered, she slammed the door so hard storming out. It was 4am and she was pissed. Flippin out and yellin'.

At first, I blamed only myself. But since then, I've come to place the blame squarely on you for being a red-blooded guy, and on her too, for punking. She knows she did.

I think of how ironically you kissed me and said you knew you'd screw it up. I guess you were right.

In callousness now, I no longer care about her feelings, shrug my shoulders and count it another casualty of my war. After all, just hours before we had danced, laughing and singing as she worked someone else.

When he asked later, I shrugged again. I didn't care much what you may have said, and secretly delighted in the fire it lit in his eyes. No regrets. In either case.

That afternoon, I watched the two of you in his car with your solemn faces, and wondered if you both knew you had been played.

The whole thing was a jigsaw puzzle made of glass pieces, and I the artist that pushed them together and when bored, threw them to the floor. Shards of shattered pieces impaled in soft hearts by calloused hands.

I've left that place behind now, perhaps for good. And, as the pages close on that chapter, I exhale, seek forgiveness, and try to forget.

You've been played. All of you.