"I think I've gone about as far as I can with general thinking about life, and sanity, and madness, and death. I think what I need to do is get concrete. I wanna start looking out more and get away from looking in - contemplating the navel of my own void. I want to look out at the world, and see it, and seize it, and maybe even enrich it. I wanna look at you, inside and out. I wanna see you from every angle and every way." - Harvard Man

So, tonight at dinner I was trying to explain the power of my MBA as a man-repellent to Paul, Pete and Victor, but they just weren't getting it. We did, however, have a good laugh over my new record - having a guy go from hitting on me to running away in 6 seconds. Between being amazon tall and an Ivy League MBA, I have SuperPower when it comes to sending guys screaming into the night.

I promise my rant is over after this post, but I should clarify before letting it go. It's not that I'm lonely, I have great friends and a full life, but it's not the same as sharing your life with someone. Does that make sense?

The end.

After a mere 74 years on this planet, Mr. Rogers took the Big Trolley in the Sky today. Do you think P Diddy will launch a line of cardigan sweaters in his honor?

Rest in peace, neighbor.

When your teeth are whiter than your eyes, it's safe to say you have lost control of your life.

My favorite quote of the day: "To the extent that a bivariate distribution departs from linearity, the Pearson r coefficient will underestimate that relationship."

What do you do
when your soul
is broken
and cannot be repaired?

What do you do
when your heart
knows no sunlight
and your mind
is numb with fatigue?

What do you do
when your lips
know no passion
and your dreams no joy?

What do you do?

That afternoon, I turned around sharply and asked you to stop playing something. But the exasperated tone of my voice didn't match the reason behind the expression.

It wasn't because what you were playing wasn't fantastic, it was because I loved it so much. Every time you played it, it felt like you were taking a lemon zester across my heart. The lush, smooth sound was torturous.

Pardon me a moment while I vent.
(If you're not looking for a philosophic rant, turn away now.)

Maybe it was just the wedding this weekend and being around all of my friends, but I realized how much I want to be in a relationship right now. If one more person had said to me, "I can't believe you're still single," or "If I weren't married, I'd be after you" I was going to burst into tears. I feel like a total reject.

I am sick of being alone. (And, the whole notion of starting a relationship is kind of crazy considering my life is just one big question mark right now with no sign of what direction it's moving in. Who would want to become a partner to that?)

In the past three years I have dated (meaning more than once) fourteen guys.
Argh. That's a depressing figure. It equates to one every three months. And most were decent, fun people, but just not the right guys for me.

I think guys automatically assume that I'm high maintenance because I have my own thoughts and go after my own dreams. But they're just that, mine. I don't expect anyone else to have my same goals, and actually I'd prefer they didn't. I don't want to date myself - there is nothing to learn from just having the same thoughts or doing the same things over and over again.

Is it so much to ask that someone respect me as a human being despite all my flaws and be interested in me just for who I am? Is it really an extreme standard?

Here's what I'm looking for:
A. someone who has his own interests, and let's me have mine.
B. someone who is kind. Someone who won't plow over a little old lady to get into the subway three seconds faster. Or that wouldn't think I were nuts if I asked if we could do a Habitat for Humanity weekend.
C. someone who is literate. (You think I jest.) In all seriousness, I am not looking for a reading fanatic, just someone who actually picks up a newspaper, book, or magazine once in a while. (I honestly met someone recently who was proud that he hadn't read any books since graduating from high school.)
D. someone who is tall. Okay, I know that's superficial, but being so tall myself, I feel like a freak dating shorter men. (and unfortunately most men are)

I don't care what kind of clothes you wear, or who you know, or where you live. To me, looks don't matter, money doesn't matter, where you went to school doesn't matter. (Case in point - spent twenty minutes talking to a guy at a club a couple weeks ago who was completely hung up on having gone to school at Cornell. Buddy, GET OVER YOURSELF. Who cares!?!)

I want to know if you have passion for what you do, if you work hard, if you enjoy life.

If I decide tomorrow to sell poetry on a table in the street, would Mister Cornell respect that decision? Yea, right. He'd be more concerned that the boys at the firm would find out or that I wouldn't be driving a BMW that matched his.

There is another wicked double-edged sword to pursuing the degree I'm currently working on and attending the school I'm at. On one hand, people automatically assume I'm doing it to make loads of money, which is not true. I'm here because there are certain things I need to learn if I'm ever going to be able to make a dent in illiteracy, hunger and homelessness. At the same time, I don't expect anyone to take care of me financially. I can take care of myself. So long as I can read and have two hands, I can get a job anywhere.

On the other hand, if I do get into a position where I am making solid jing, there are few guys who wouldn't see it as a competitive thing and be totally freaked out by having a spouse who might make more money than they do. It's a no-win situation for me.

If anyone has words of wisdom, I'd appreciate them.

Well, after a weekend of extreme drama (too many stories to mention, and some that can't be mentioned) I am home again. What I thought would be a few days of fun and relaxation in Madison turned out to be absolutely frenetic. So much so that I almost had a nervous breakdown in the airport Sunday night.

Actually, I'm enjoying a moment of bliss right now. My 7pm class was cancelled unexpectedly, so I'm at home kicking back and taking in a moment of much needed silence. I realized it is the first evening since January that I have been home before 9:15. If I didn't have four chapters of Stats due tomorrow, I'd be asleep already. (Instead I'm procrastinating.)

On another good note: The garbage has finally been picked up. Kudos to all those who made that happen. Good Work! It was mighty deep on the sidewalks when I left on Friday.

Okay, so here are the recent developments. . .

1. Today was beautiful. And not just because it was a pseudo-Friday since I'm flying out tomorrow to hang with a growing number of random friends. It was sunny and 51 degrees!!! No hat, no gloves, no scarf. Just beautiful.

2. The men with machine guns have multiplied. They are everywhere. Today, walking in groups of three. My question: Isn't the machine gun and military training enough? What kind of bizarre physical threat necessitates the groups of three?

3. I sat for two minutes and admired Grand Central station today (as I wolfed down lunch before heading to my train). It is gorgeous. The cliche - it's like Grand Central around here - when referring to crowded areas doesn't do justice to the grandeur and architectural feat that is the structure itself.

4. The resume letters are IN THE MAIL!!! Can I get a "Hallelujah"? Coincidentally, I had an exam this morning on which the final question asked what I planned to do and where I planned to be this summer. Ha! You should have seen the length of the I-don't-have-any-idea-could-be-here-or-the-other-side-of-the-world-doing-god-knows-what answer I gave on that one.

5. The piles of garbage - that laid in the sun all day - are starting to stink. If you don't know what I'm talking about, watch the news.

Today's quotes are an odd combination. . .

"It seems to me we can never give up longing and wishing while we are thoroughly alive. There are certain things we feel to be beautiful and good and we must hunger after them." - George Eliot

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference." - Niebuhr

New addiction: Ozomatli. Do yourself a favor and check them out.

I must find the album somewhere.

What's spinning now: Alicia Keyes - (Hidden Track) "Lovin' you is easy"

For the first time in I don't know how long, I have two WHOLE hours free. To finish the policy brief I'm working on, but still... two hours. Where I don't have to sprint to the next thing, or try to finish some reading on the train, or eat while literally jogging down the sidewalk. I actually just came back from the cafeteria, where I SAT DOWN and ate lunch. Leisurely. (Apparently, that still exists - the span of time where you can chew all your food without shoveling it in and checking your watch.)

Ahhhh...two hours.

There are men with machine guns in my subway station. That is disconcerting.

The whole world seems to be spinning off its axis.

And as if things weren't funky enough, yesterday I signed up to take the Foreign Service exam next month.

What's spinning: Wilco - "Promisin'", Ryan Adams - "Wild Flowers", Incubus - "Echo", Sister Hazel - "Champagne High", Guster - Lost and Gone Forever

Today's quotes: "When friendships are real, they are not glass threads or frost work, but the solidest things we know." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Express yourself completely, then keep quiet." - Lao-Tzu

Still haven't found a poem for Econ.

Wouldn't it just figure - on the day I could sleep in, yours truly was wide awake at 6:30am. It's been a long, gray day.

The snow isn't deep by Midwestern standards, but they don't plow or shovel anything here, so any quantity of snow creates a major hassle and a mess.

I was grateful for the extra day to let my brain chill though. (even if I still haven't started the assignment that was due today) I don't know what's up with me. I'm just kinda wandering aimlessly in circles, waiting to snap out of it. Does anyone else ever feel that way?

I get to sleep in tomorrow!!! Classes have been cancelled. Whewhoo!

Right now, New York is gearing up for the worst snow storm in the history of the city. They are saying a potential 30" of the white stuff will fall between now and tomorrow evening. What is up with that?

Have I indeed become the cure for global warming?

The second year I lived in Madison was the snowiest winter the town had ever recorded. Now, NYC is blessed with freezing precip. This is not cool. (Other than I should get out of handing in my policy brief tomorrow - which of course I haven't started.)

A blessing and a curse I guess.

Met Erica's mom this afternoon. The bizarre thing is that the two of them are like the Bahaman version of my mom and I. I get a kick out of that.

Been mired down in a funk all day, not sure what it is. Spent hours doing nothing in particular (everything except anything productive) and came across this quote:

The urge to “tie a poem to a chair with rope and torture a confession out of it” lessens when poetry arises freshly each day.
– from Poetry Daily and Billy Collins’ Introduction to Poetry

I like it.

What's spinning: Erykah Badu/S.Marley "In love with you" and Sister Hazel's "Champagne High"

While putting away some notes just now, I came across something I had printed out a while ago and got sidetracked. (Admittedly, as I often do.)

It is Ralph Waldo Emerson's "Essay X. The Poet," from Essays and English Traits. I like it. If you're so inclined, you can read it at Bartelby.com.

My favorite professor always starts his Economics classes with a poem, and next week is my turn to read. So, I'm searching for a good one. Any suggestions?

Last semester, I used one of Sandburg's Chicago poems and my favorite Pound piece, "In a Station of the Metro". I'm looking for something unique, and welcome any ideas.

Two dozen long-stemmed roses could never compare to a handful of buttercups in a tiny Dixie cup.

"Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart." - Marcus Aurelius Antoninus

I was going to come home this afternoon and plunge into homework, etc. But, with all of the craziness of this week, I decided instead to make a trip down to Barzini's for some Ben & Jerry's. When I got back, a thought ran through my mind that made me giddy. A movie. So, like a little kid that just found a treasure I bopped down to Blockbuster to rent a dvd.

BROWN SUGAR. I have no words. Just go see it.

Hustled home after class this morning to do some last minute revamping on my resume in preparation for a networking thing this afternoon. Got it done, threw on the lucky blue suit and took off.

Hit the platform just as the doors of the train opened. I got on.

That was the beginning.

The regular cadence unraveled when the doors didn't close like they usually do. A #3 had pulled in at the same time, but from the opposite direction. And as soon as its doors opened, people sprinted out frantically, trampling one another. Some got on our train.

Our conductor got on the intercom and told everyone to remain where they were, to stay calm. There had been a report of hazardous material at the back of the train. A bomb threat. On both trains.

What are the odds of that? Both trains. From opposite directions? I stayed where I was.

She said an inspector was checking it out and that hopefully we'd be on our way shortly. People were looking at one another, and some high school kids were talking to one another. One guy says to the other, "Man, that's crazy shit. I can't take all this terrorist stuff. Everybody's trippin all the time."

The conductor gets back on the intercom. "If the car is wet, we must isolate the train."

Yea, I think that would have been better relayed over the pocket radio, rather than announced to the entire passenger-body of the train.

The guy sitting next to me started flipping out. Told me his whole life story and all I could do was try to keep him calm. He said he was on the 46th floor of Tower One on 9/11. He worked as a security guard. Worked there fifteen years. His wife was at home in the Bronx.

"So, how was your day, honey?" That's what he said she'd ask when he got home. He was shaking his head. "I'd be better if people would stop trying to kill me," he mocked. "I can't take this anymore." He just wanted to see his daughter.

The tension in this city is palpable this week.

This has been a wacked ass day. I have no words to describe it. I'll have to let it sit a while and get back to ya.

Before I thought of you I had words,
but now I don't.
Like a movie that fades out
before you're ready
and the credits role,
but you don't see your name.

Here in this city,
the place I always thought it would be
never pictured life as a glammed up
photo shoot with pretty people
in the background

I came to let the words find me,
the way they always have
but you see
it's like a disconnect
a glass wall
between you and me.

Waitin' here
like in a prelude to the dream
took the A train downtown
with Pinero's words
from the Neurican
still ringing in my head.

Feelings sweet
like Crackerjacks
and you're the prize

The sunny side of the street
knows no shadows when you're around
And little girls playing hopscotch
don't have to worry 'bout a thing.

Have nothing to write tonight as I am nearly falling into unconsciousness at this moment. So, I leave you only two things:

"Beautiful eyes are those that show the beautiful thoughts that burn below." - Ellen Allerton

Thanks to Kevin, I too am now addicted to Sister Hazel's "Your Mistake". Listen for yourself.

Okay, so the past few days have been intense, but I'm hanging in there. Then today I made the mistake of reading the Washington Post.

The top headline is about bin Laden's call to Iraqi kamikazis to attack New York and D.C. I must admit that this is the first time that I actually had a true pang of fear on the whole issue. (Maybe it's just because it's early in the morning and I'm running a little behind.)

My question is, "Who needs that stress?" The article urged people to stock up on food, plastic sheeting, and duct tape. Yea, because making yourself a prisoner is a great way to work toward peace.

Here's the truth:

When my time is up, it's up. The people I love know I love them. I have no regrets about moving to this city to study and did so because I want to make this country a better place - to take on the task of creating real change in our education system so that the people who suffer every day within our own borders, because of our own actions against one another, are no longer victims of blind bureaucracy and callous ignorance.

Love your life. Live your life. Regret nothing.

now hand me a Diet Coke, there's work to be done.

The first one I lifted from Adam, just because I liked it. I wish I had time to go see the Picasso Matisse exhibit that's going on at the Museum of Modern Art.

"Art is a lie that tells the truth." -Picasso

The second is from the calendar, and I'd like to think it's true.

"The best portion of a good (wo)man's life is (her) his little nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and of love." - Wordsworth

I have had a day.

You know the kind. The one where you get up at the ass-crack of dawn (in this case slightly before because the sun wasn't up yet) to tackle a monster list of things that must take place to ensure the continuation of your life as you know it.

(Study for a 10am exam, ghost write a letter from the faculty program chair to Fortune 100 companies, try to identify the contacts to which you should send your resume before the end of the week in order to land a summer intership someplace interesting - only to find out that several of your targets have already closed their application process for 2003 - and have breakfast.)

You're just proud that you're conscious at that hour, and proceed to the bathroom where there is no hot water (the Monday morning ritual in my building - although last week there was hot, but no cold water) and then drop your toothbrush in the toilet. (I'm just glad it wasn't my electric one, or I really would have sworn.)

Finally, you're out the door (only 6 minutes late to the exam). Luckily, you fly down the steps just in time to barely catch the train (but without getting stuck in the door), only to have the train red-lighted at the next stop.

While taking the exam, your pen runs out of ink. How do you dig another one out of your bag without the prof thinking you're checking a cheatsheet?

Complete exam, head to next meeting (having exactly 3.5 minutes to grab lunch in between). Thirty minutes into the meeting (where the center's new trainee is "sitting in"), you realize you have pasta sauce crusted to your chin.

Finish meeting one and head to meeting two, where the aforementioned program chair (for whom you've prepared the letter and addendum) does not show up. Wait for said person for one hour, trying to be as productive as possible in the mean time.

After an hour, go to the Lounge to set up your laptop (because the dataport in the meeting room wasn't operational), only to have your email account crash (taking your Stat's professor's lecture notes and assignment with it).

Go to the vending machine. Diet coke and chocolate are required.

Breathe. Plug your headphones into your laptop and play something soothing. Attempt to regain sanity and rebuild lost assignment.

Go back to program chair's office. Learn that he has not pulled together the contacts for the letter, so you are delayed yet another day. Without screaming or pulling your hair out, ask him if he could simply mark an X on all contact names and leave them outside his door. You will pick them up tomorrow, hunt down the missing address data, build a database, merge the letters, print them and have them ready for his signature by the end of business Wednesday.

Go to policy class (the one for which you haven't had time to do the reading) and tell your friend to elbow you if you fall asleep. As the professor talks for 96 of the 100 minute class period, write a poem. An epic poem (why not? you have the time.) When he calls on you and asks if you agree, (with no knowledge of what he's talking about) answer no. Reply with something vague, but emphatic, referrencing that you feel it is more a "bifurcation resulting from external pressures."

Follow up with "Do you understand what I mean?" This shifts the ball back to his court and he is the one that has to tie the vague malarky you just said into what he was asking, or be the expert that doesn't know it all. Good strategy. Snicker, compliment and shame yourself, and return to the poem which is now four pages long.

After class, proceed home without slipping on the slushy, treacherous sidewalks.

Notice how beautiful the trees are - the branches hanging with heavy, wet, white snow.

Be grateful that today is over. Kind of. (Except for the Privatization assignment that's due tomorrow and the readings you haven't started.) Despite that, chill for a bit, and take a moment to e-vent.

Tomorrow is a new day. Anything is possible.

Found it just where I left it.

Smooth move.

I realized just now that I am not in possession of my blue notebook! Among other things it contains all my classnotes from last week. This is not good.

I'm on my way to campus to hunt it down. I think I left it at work Friday night. Cross your fingers for me.

For Christmas, my godmother gave me one of those little calendars with photos and quotes on each page. I know it's girly, but I like things like that. Each day it's like reading a fortune cookie (only without the calories!)

Here's two from last week that I kept:

"Precious are all things that come from friends." - Theocritus

"The only gift is a portion of thyself." - Emerson

I was going to post a huge TGIF, and here it is already Saturday. Go figure.

That's what this week has been like.

Must. Sleep. Now.

Just got home from "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days". I love it. Total chic flick, but that's okay 'cuz it was girls' night out. It's cute. Go see it.

The children of
a small village,
barefoot and bright-eyed,
ask not for our help.

Their mothers pray
we will let them alone.

Instead we intrude,
bring medicines and food
and language
and discontent
and disease and despair.

Leave them be –
their beautiful
culture intact,
free to evolve
on their own and
only if they desire.

We should not be
their destiny;
they do not want us,
and we destroy them.

Gesso was dried beneath my fingernails and cobalt streaked my blue jeans. It matched the ferrule of the red sable #3 holding my hair in a twist and the strip of torn canvas stuck to my shoe.

At the edge
of the stars
there is a wish
that lingers.

I sent it up
a long time ago,
to hang on
a sliver of moon.

It stayed there
shimmering,
reminding me
of the dreams
of a young heart.

I see it still
in the twilight sky
where the crack
between wake
and sleep meet.

It's comforting
there and
continues to
guide me. . .

to be brave
enough to be
curious,
bold enough
to wonder,
daring enough
to imagine,

to be wise enough
to remain a
little child
at heart.

I got stuck in the doors of the train today. . . TWICE.

The second time was on the way home tonight and some Asian guy started laughing hysterically. But it drew blood. And hurt.

I think I may have bitten off more than I can chew this semester. Last semester was really easy and I was feeling kind of guilty, so I racheted up the load a little, and... uh, yea.

It's only the second full week of class and I already need a yoga vacation (or at least a massage from the little Chinese guy down the block.)

Note to Self: Dumbass, when will you ever learn?!?

There are memories
I wish I had
of sleeping in your
favorite old t-shirt,
waking to the sound
of your spoon
clinking the edge
of your cereal bowl,
and never buying
cinnamon gum again.

My friend Erica's brother died a few days ago, so she flew home to the Bahamas to be with her family. It's so tragic. He was 15. He was the last kid in the house; her mom will be so lost without him.

An elderly lady I really liked from back home just passed away too. She was one of the sweetest people I've ever met (but a horrible singer, even though she had a beautiful English accent.) St. Peter, I hope you've got access to earplugs up there.

Fond memories and peace.

"Music is love in search of a word." - Sidney Lanier

"Do what feels right, it's the best way to be wrong." - PMB 2/4/03

a poem you wrote
in the margin
caught my eye

it was beneath
the ring your
blue coffee cup left

and written in
your sleepy hand
on a morning
that was gray
I imagine

because the slant
of your lines
is drawn out
slow and fuzzy.

Came across two quotes last week that I like. They kind of remind me of fingerpaintings or glitter and noodle self-portraits hung proudly on the refrigerator.

"A good heart is better than all the heads in the world." - Sir Henry Bulwer

"'Tis the heart of the giver that makes the gift dear and precious." - Martin Luther

Today's addiction: the JB's "Gimme Some Mo'".

To all of the people that I've overheard or read say today, "They were not heroes," I want to take just a moment to send out a big FUCK YOU!

Now, I know that's not usually my style, but the 1st Amendment gives me the right to rebut your gross intolerable ignorance.

Without the astronauts and engineers willing to strap their asses to a bomb and rocket themselves out of this atmosphere, we wouldn't have many of the positive advancements we have today. So the next time you're in an accident and call 911, show a little respect because it was those people that made the 911 satellite network possible. Or the next time you turn on the Weather Channel to see if your auntie in Florida is getting her ass kicked by a hurricane, remember them.

It is the job that these people commit themselves to that every day inspires some kid in a ghetto somewhere to step over his crackhead mother who is passed out on the floor, and get himself dressed and off to school. His friends dropped out a year and a half ago, but he's sitting in Physics class because he wants to be an astronaut. He wants to be a hero.

So fuck all of you who don't believe in what these people stand for and have dedicated themselves to because any person who peacefully strives to make the world a better place deserves to be shown our respect.

A moment of silence for the astronauts and their families. May you find peace after this tragedy.

A moment of gratitude to all who risk their lives to further the progress of science for the good of all mankind.