On being alone
Pardon me a moment while I vent.
(If you're not looking for a philosophic rant, turn away now.)
Maybe it was just the wedding this weekend and being around all of my friends, but I realized how much I want to be in a relationship right now. If one more person had said to me, "I can't believe you're still single," or "If I weren't married, I'd be after you" I was going to burst into tears. I feel like a total reject.
I am sick of being alone. (And, the whole notion of starting a relationship is kind of crazy considering my life is just one big question mark right now with no sign of what direction it's moving in. Who would want to become a partner to that?)
In the past three years I have dated (meaning more than once) fourteen guys.
Argh. That's a depressing figure. It equates to one every three months. And most were decent, fun people, but just not the right guys for me.
I think guys automatically assume that I'm high maintenance because I have my own thoughts and go after my own dreams. But they're just that, mine. I don't expect anyone else to have my same goals, and actually I'd prefer they didn't. I don't want to date myself - there is nothing to learn from just having the same thoughts or doing the same things over and over again.
Is it so much to ask that someone respect me as a human being despite all my flaws and be interested in me just for who I am? Is it really an extreme standard?
Here's what I'm looking for:
A. someone who has his own interests, and let's me have mine.
B. someone who is kind. Someone who won't plow over a little old lady to get into the subway three seconds faster. Or that wouldn't think I were nuts if I asked if we could do a Habitat for Humanity weekend.
C. someone who is literate. (You think I jest.) In all seriousness, I am not looking for a reading fanatic, just someone who actually picks up a newspaper, book, or magazine once in a while. (I honestly met someone recently who was proud that he hadn't read any books since graduating from high school.)
D. someone who is tall. Okay, I know that's superficial, but being so tall myself, I feel like a freak dating shorter men. (and unfortunately most men are)
I don't care what kind of clothes you wear, or who you know, or where you live. To me, looks don't matter, money doesn't matter, where you went to school doesn't matter. (Case in point - spent twenty minutes talking to a guy at a club a couple weeks ago who was completely hung up on having gone to school at Cornell. Buddy, GET OVER YOURSELF. Who cares!?!)
I want to know if you have passion for what you do, if you work hard, if you enjoy life.
If I decide tomorrow to sell poetry on a table in the street, would Mister Cornell respect that decision? Yea, right. He'd be more concerned that the boys at the firm would find out or that I wouldn't be driving a BMW that matched his.
There is another wicked double-edged sword to pursuing the degree I'm currently working on and attending the school I'm at. On one hand, people automatically assume I'm doing it to make loads of money, which is not true. I'm here because there are certain things I need to learn if I'm ever going to be able to make a dent in illiteracy, hunger and homelessness. At the same time, I don't expect anyone to take care of me financially. I can take care of myself. So long as I can read and have two hands, I can get a job anywhere.
On the other hand, if I do get into a position where I am making solid jing, there are few guys who wouldn't see it as a competitive thing and be totally freaked out by having a spouse who might make more money than they do. It's a no-win situation for me.
If anyone has words of wisdom, I'd appreciate them.
Posted by Amanda at February 26, 2003 06:53 PM
